I'm Blessed.

I consider myself lucky. I may have some really hard days, and I mean hard days. I may have times where I feel like the world is crashing around me and I can't keep moving forward without my husband, my best friend, my biggest supporter, behind me, physically. I may even wonder why things have to happen to me. This week though, my eyes were opened. It started at church, when we were learning how to have a right Christmas, instead of a white Christmas. I started to realize, I'm lucky, lucky to have faith, a healthy wonderful husband, who treats me like a queen, a healthy daughter, and plenty of family and friends who support me through everything. I'm lucky to have a roof over my head and food on the table for myself and my daughter. I'm lucky enough to be able to see my husband for Christmas again this year, and maybe he misses all of the other holidays, but at least we are a family for one of them. Some people are much more unlucky than I am. Some people are raped and end up pregnant, but can't seem to have an abortion, and then have to raise a baby alone, with no one to help them, physically or emotionally. Some people don't have homes, some people can't get jobs. People die every day, and I have the chance to live. The chance to be young and happy and healthy. Then I saw a blog, with pictures of a recently widowed military wife. (http://ohpenelopephotography.blogspot.com/2011/12/heaven-was-needing-hero.html%20I) I cried my eyes out, thinking about the possiblity of losing Zach, the possibilty of never hearing his voice, or feeling his warmth, or even smelling his nasty fart! I'm blessed to get the comfort of his voice on a mostly daily basis, or even just a message, saying I love you. He's not in immediate danger, yes there's a chance something could happen, but the area he is in isn't nearly as dangerous as other places. There are people who haven't heard from their loved ones in days, weeks, or even months. Sometimes we go for a few days without talking, and it drives me crazy. We as a couple are lucky enough to understand that even though we are very far apart, we are as close as we have ever been. We have an understanding of each other and I know in my heart that he would never do anything to break my heart, and he knows that I wouldn't do it to him either. We see people all the time, who think they love each other, but break up every few days, or weeks, and fall into a pattern, that isn't healthy. I'm lucky enough to be confident in the fact that we mutually want to stay married, until death do us part Each night before I go to sleep, I pray for the saftey and security of the troops, those I know, those I don't know, I pray for the families who have lost loved ones, recently, and in the past. I pray that the human race comes to an understanding of each other, so that we don't have to have war so often and last of all, I thank god for all of my blessings, I thank him for the day, my husband, our daughter, my families, and many other things that I have been blessed with. I'm slowly learning how to be humble about my husband being gone, and humble about my blessings. I was put on this earth for a purpose, and maybe I don't know exactly what that purpose is today, right now, but I know that I wasn't born to do nothing.

Holidays

If you know me, you know I am ALL about tradition. I am ALL about baking 1,200 cookies for families other than my own. I don't mind that my sisters and I fight if we are together for too long. I love being around my family during the holidays. Last year we were lucky enough for Zach to come home during Christmas and New Years. This year, we may also get that lucky. Tomorrow he should find out the dates that he gets to come home for leave. This deployment has really been getting to me this week. I cry, everytime I am alone. I think that since I haven't really had the time to be upset about the fact that he will be gone until July, I haven't had the chance cry it out. You know, when something bad happens, you cry, even if it's just for a minute. It has always helped me. Maybe I cry more often that other people, and maybe I can be over dramatic about situations, but I always feel better after crying. So, if you think you can't move forward, and your life is in a rut, and you think you've reached the bottom, sometimes it's okay to cry. It's okay to let it go and not worry about what other people think. I have busted out crying in public, and I don't care. Other people can say what they have to say, and pretend that they don't want, deep down in their souls, to do the same thing. I have never been someone who CARES about what other people think about me. I am perfectly comfortable being a 21 year old mother to Rea, who is amazing, she is happy and understands that she makes me happy. Even though she is only 19 months old, she is so smart. I am comfortable being the wife of a soldier, who I have seen for a total of about 15 weeks since we got married, on July 28, 2010. I understand that freedom isn't free. I understand that my husband is fighting a war, that I don't even believe in, becuase someone has to. Someone has to be there, women all over the country are 'single' parents, and raising their kids becuase their husband is gone for the 10th deployment. I have been strong, a lot more strong than I thought I was. I have also had bad days though, which is also fine.

Dear Deployment,
Maybe you are longer rather than shorter, maybe instead of being 6 months, you are 12. Maybe I have bad days, where I hate the life we chose as a family, but I would never give it up in a million years, becuase I have a family, a husband, who loves me for everything I am, right or wrong. He keeps me sane, he still gives me butterflies, and the simple sound of his voice warms my heart. I have a one year old daughter, who is the best little girl I have ever met, she's overdramatic. She makes the funniest faces and can make the ugliest nastiest man or womans heart melt.I couldn't ask for a better family. Love, Elsa...

frustration nation

For a while, I thought my husband was coming home early. I did something that I shouldn't have, I got excited and started living on hope. Recently, he had said they weren't 100% sure he was coming home next month, but they were PRETTY sure, and at first, I forced myself not to be excited. I talked myself into expecting the worst. I actually was doing a really good job at not being excited. Then Zach kept talking about it, and kept bringing it up, and kept talking about how he would be back in a few weeks. Then I got excited. I started to think about how amazing it would be when he came home, and started planning all of the things we would do, and everytime Rea did something cute, I would think "only a couple more months and your daddy can see you do that" we started to practice saying "I love DADDY!" and I let myself go. I got ahead of myself, knowing that I would probably be let down anyway. About a week ago, I asked Zach how sure exactly he was about coming home, and he said "Babe, I can't say, I have no idea" WHAM, reality. Then yesterday, I asked again, and he said probably not December... maybe January, or February, or March. My heart slightly broke, I was living on hope and I shouldn't have been.

Dear Deployment,
I would greatly appreciate an answer.. at least ONE, I would like to know, when he is coming home, whether it's next month, or next July. I would just like to KNOW, so that my emotions aren't all over the place all the time. I can't handle being thrown back and fourth between being excited and my heart breaking. I need to be able to plan when I am supposed to go back to Texas, and I can't, becuase I have NO idea when my husband will be home, and that sucks. I hate you, and I really mean hate. Love, Elsa...

:)

So, I know I haven't been writing very often. But hey, I work full time, and I go to Zumba on Tuesdays Thursdays and Saturdays and I play basketball on Mondays Wednesdays, and sometimes Fridays. So, the time that I'm not doing one of these things, I am busy, cuddling with my daughter, or chatting with my husband, or SLEEPING.

My job is pretty interesting, I deal with a lot of stressful situations, and sometimes I want to pop the heads off some of my clients, but I do feel like I am doing the right thing, by trying to help them instead of just handing out money, like it's free. In the last week, I have gotten a start on Halloween decorating. Which is a lot of fun, I completely covered one wall in our office, and painted a huge tree and a "door leading to nowhere" I also painted a crime scene, and I will soon do a taped outline of my body laying on the floor.

As for working out, I bet Zach that I could lose ten pounds before November 10th. I have been really practicing my healthy eating and drinking a lot more water than I had before, and last week, I lost three pounds! So, I feel like i'm doing pretty well with that. Zumba is still awesome, we started a couple new routines, which are a little more difficult than the previous one, but still a lot of fun. I was really sore last week after learning the new routines. We had a Domestic Violence Awareness Teen Dance this past weekend, and I led a huge group of people in a couple of Zumba routines. I had forgotten how exhilerating it was to lead people in dance routines. It was really a really awesome feeling, especially when everyone clapped when we were done!

Rea is wonderful, I am still alaways so amazed at how quickly she is growing, and learning. She is almost potty trained, learning new words everyday and recently learned how to open doors! She's my rock, if it weren't for her, I would go crazy missing Zach. It doesn't make it easier for me either though, becuase she is so much like him in so many ways that sometimes I just cry when I watch her, becuase I miss him so much!

Dear Deployment,
I have heard many many stories about how you may end sooner rather than later, and I for that reason, I am very excited. But not too excited, since I know you are so unpredictable and I won't know for sure, until my husband's combat boots are offically and safely on solid american ground. Until then, I will pretend that you will end when you end, and not think about how soon it may be and think about how long you may end up. Love, Elsa....

Emotions

Lately, my emotions have been everywhere, I am happy, then sad, then mad, then happy again. Like a 9 month pregnant woman. It's driving me NUTS!! I don't know if it's the fact that I haven't seen Zach in a really long time, or that Rea is at the "testing" age. She is a HUGE handfull, it's crazy how smart and sneaky she is. She still doesn't talk a lot, but I know it's becuase she doesn't want to. When she feels like talking, she knows more words than I even realized I taught her. Which also means I have to stop swearing ALL TOGETHER!! I don't want her to be the baby who drops her basketball and says "shit" It's funny and cute, when it's not my own kid! Even though she's crazy and loud and cries for nothing, she is the light of my life right now. I have been having a hard time the last few days and she is so happy. She knows exactly how to cheer me up. We have been practicing our "I love you"s and if I say I she repeats it and when I say love, she says "youuuuuuuuu" with so much enthusiasm. Now that she says that, we started practicing saying daddy instead of you, and she still says you, but now she says "dad" at the end of it. Hopefully she wont be too shy to catch on camera so he can see it himself. I know she knows that something is up with my emotions too, because yesterday she was really clingy to Clara and she was cranky. I don't know why she was cranky, because her ear infection medicine ended today, so she should be better. Maybe she is getting a couple more teeth.

On a positive note, I found a venue for our wedding! I'm not gonna tell where, however, I do know that I am super excited about planning it!! Now that we have a real venue and real stuff happening, I feel better about it actually happening, I was worried before that we would have to cancel it for some reason or another. I am very excited to wedding dress shop, and pick out bridesmaid outfits and do everything that most other eager brides get to do. I was very happy the day that Zach and I were married, and I would be happy just being married and not spending all of this money on a wedding, but I was the little girl that dreamed of her wedding since she could remember. I used to make Ariana be the "husband" so we could get married. We used to play sims and I would make them all get married. All of our dolls and barbies and stuffed animals were also married. I was the girl that wanted the HUGE ballgown and sit down dinner and wooden dance floor! I wanted flashing lights and a spotlight. I wanted it all, now however, I want something more simple and fun! (and less expensive)

Dear Deployment,
I have been feeling quite down because of you, and I hope that I get better at being emotional. I hope that I can learn how to control my emotions. I hope that eventually I can be a strong enough person to be away from my husband for long periods of time with multiple kids as well as being away from my family. Eventually, maybe.... right now?? no way!! Love, Elsa...

I have the best husband.

Yesterday, I had to take Rea to the hospital. I made an appointment for her, because I had a feeling she had an ear infection, or something. And of course she did, it wasn't a bad one however, because we caught it nice and early. She is nice and cranky though, and bossy. She is still monsterous and getting into everything, now though, she cries a lot more and when she wants her mom, she has to have her mom. As I was driving home from the hospital, we passed my mom, who was walking, and she said that I had a package from Zach! I was so excited. I dropped off Saima, Rea, and Clara  at my house and went straight to my moms to pick it up. I was so happy to see his handwriting, and know that the things inside this package were carefully put in by his loving hands. I ripped open the package, and I knew what was inside, but it was still like Christmas! He sent Rea 2,400 Disney movies, and sent me True Blood and Glee! After picking up Ariana from work, we looked at the Disney movie list and babbled about how excited we were to start True Blood. Can I just say, that I have the most amazing husband ever?

Dear Deployment,
Zach sent me more care packages than I sent him. He is amazing, I will never stop loving him and supporting him. Love, Elsa..

We chose this life, as a family.

Zach and I were living at my mom's house, he was working at Frontier, and I was working at Maniilaq. Neither of us had jobs that could turn into careers, nor did we have saved money to move, or change jobs, or pay a babysitter etc. Basically we were working two dead end jobs, and not really going places with our lives. We didn't really know what our next step was gonna be and Zach had talked about military when I was pregnant. We couldn't afford to just move and get jobs somewhere else, because we really didn't have money saved up from working. Especially since Rea was newborn at the time. The first time Zach brought up the military, I said "hell no." I wasn't emotionally ready for him to be in the military. We, as a family weren't ready for something so life changing. After a couple more months of living with my mom and working paycheck to paycheck, we were both pretty tired of it. He and I talked and cried and talked and laughed for hours, trying to decide what our next move would be. He told me that he wanted to support his family and he doesn't want to have to live paycheck to paycheck at my moms house. After much discussion, he asked again if he could join the military. He knew going into the situation that he would be away from us, and I  knew that I would be taking care of Rea mostly alone for a while. I came to terms with the idea because I wanted Zach to be happy about what he was doing. I wanted him to be comfortable knowing that he is supporting his family and his country. That was the moment, when we knew that he would be in the military, and we would live the military lifestyle. I think that the reality of it didn't hit until he told me that he would be gone for 26 weeks. Also, when I quit my job, and we spent a month in Fort Yukon with his family. I remember being so scared when Zach was getting ready to leave for basic training. The whole weekend before he left was full of hugs and kisses. He had a list of things he needed and things that he was allowed to bring. He needed to bring all of his legal documents, like our marriage license, birth certificates, and social security cards. He was placing everything into a clear sleeve. He thought that he couldn't find our marriage license and since I was the one who had put it away, he blamed it on me. We argued and I even cried because I thought that I had lost our marriage certificate. After hours of looking for it, Zach went into the bathroom, where he claims that he does his best thinking. Well he must, because he realized that our marriage license was in fact already in the sleeve and since he hadn't looked close enough, he thought that it was his birth certificate, which was lost. I remember him coming into the bedroom, where I was nursing Rea, and he said "Babe, please don't be mad. I am REALLY REALLY sorry" and he had a shit eating grin on his face. I replied with "what did you do" and he walked over to his sleeve, pulled out our marriage certificate and said "I found it" I have to say, that in that moment, I was mad, but I smiled and giggled. I had to understand the sheer amount of stress the two of us were under over those two days. He left on flight 151, which leaves at about 8 am. I wanted to drop him off and be with him until the very last second, but that wasn't possible because we had left our six month old daughter sleeping upstairs in our room. My mom was home, but I had to drop him off. We did a quick painless goodbye and I drove off. As soon as I left the airport and stopped at the first stop sign, I busted into tears. I cried all the way home and as I walked upstairs to my peacefully sleeping daughter. I cried in silence for at least 10 minutes, not knowing what to do next. I fell back asleep and in the morning my sister came over to hang out with us. I have always had a strong support system. I am so happy that I have the family and friends that I do. They always help out in any way possible. Since Zach has joined the army, I have been the main caregiver for our daughter, and I have to deal with all of the bills and anything like that. I believe that I am a whole different woman, I know how to handle situations better, without freaking out right away. I can do a lot of things that I never thought I could, not only physically but emotionally. My daughter is also very strong hearted and is growing to have an amazing personality. She is my rock, and Zach's rock. She is the reason we are so strong today. She also isn't feeling good, she has a runny nose and is starting to couch, which means I should go tend to her.

Dear deployment,
This is our story, written by me. We chose to be in the military, we knew coming into this that a deployment was possible, but neither of us thought it would be this soon. We learn as we go though. We have a deep and strong love for each other and our daughter that can't be broken. And because of you deployment, I am as emotionally strong as I have ever been. Love, Elsa...

The world will never forget

Ten years ago the twin towers fell. Ten years ago, thousands of innocent people lost their lives. Ten years ago, lives were ruined and hearts were broken. Ten years ago, heros walked into a falling building, knowing that they wouldn't come out.

The morning of September 11, 2001, I got up for school promptly at 7:14 am, as I did every morning. Of course however, I lay in bed until at least 7:30 am and ended up rushing to get dressed and out the door. Since we are on Alaska time, the towers hit before I woke, and I didn't watch the news, but I knew that something was wrong when I got to school. The mood was different, people were lugging around, and the teachers looked nervous. Soon after we got to our first class, our teacher said that instead of doing math this morning, we were going to join the other kids in the science room. I don't think any of us knew what was going on yet. We crammed into the classroom next door, and the teacher brought in a huge TV. Really, it wasn't that huge, but I remember thinking "wow, what a big TV" They turned it on and we saw what was happening. At first, I thought "who cares, it's not that big of a deal, planes crash all the time" but then I realized what was really going on. I realized that this was an attack, and not an accident. I realized that the amount of people who died was much greater than just two planes full. I quickly prayed and then without even realizing it, I was crying. I was quietly crying, crying for all of the poor kids who lost their parents, parents who lost their kids. I cried because I couldn't imagine even knowing someone who lost their life in the horrible event. I am and always have been sensitive to other peoples' feelings, so watching something like that really got to me. For months I prayed and thought about the families of those who died. Still to this day, I think about how horrible it was.

I have said and will say over and over and over again that I love my husband, and I am SO PROUD of him. Especially on a day like today, where so many people gave their lives to try and save others. He is in Iraq today because of the attacks on the twin towers and pentagon. I love him for how brave and selfless he is. I know that he could be doing much worst things and there are many other ways that he could be helping, but in order for things to work properly, every person needs to do their part, and he is doing his part for sure. Here's to the many troops and the families who also serve behind them.

Dear Deployment,
Today is the day that caused Zach's deployment, today I am proud to be married to him. He makes me so happy and I love him more than I ever imagined I could love someone. I didn't know what love was before I met him. Now I truly know what it feels like to be in love, and I will wait for him, forever if I have to. Love, Elsa...

happy days

Today is a good day. I found out that I have a job interview on Friday morning at nine. I also found a new winter jacket! I am very excited about the job interview, if it goes well, I may even get to start working as soon as next week, which makes me happy.

Hopefully once I start working, we can pay off all of our bills, and then I can start saving for our WEDDING ceremony!! I decided that we will be having a very small and personal vow renewal in Anchorage. Then our reception will be bigger with all of our friends and family. This way, we will be saving money, but we will still get to have the wedding we always wanted. I am very excited to start planning and I am especially excited to pick out a dress! I have to say, that I was that little girl that would dream about her wedding and say that I am gonna wear this and we are gonna do this and there will be these people there. I married Zachary because I am madly and deeply in love with him, however, since he was joining the army, we got married sooner and without much planning. My parents and family and a few close friends came to the court house in Kotzebue for the wedding. I could not have been a happier blushing bride in my blue jeans and mukluks. That, however, didn't end my dream about having a real wedding. At first I wanted a huge giant grand wedding where there were hundreds of people and a huge dress and lights and all kinds of crazy things. I went back and fourth between all kinds of different ideas, but what really stuck with me was my grandmother's backyard. It isn't very large, however it's romantic and beautiful! After realizing that a wedding isn't about all of the people and glitz and presents, I decided that having a small family wedding would be perfect for us. I do however want to have a nice big reception with pretty flowers and a huge cake! There are some things a girl can't give up right? Even though I would be perfectly happy not having a wedding ceremony, I am very very excited for this. Zach will have just come home from his deployment, which I think will make it extra special, since he will have not seen a lot of his family in almost two years! Enough about the wedding that will happen next year.

Rea has been talking, a LOT more than before. She is saying words I didn't even think I taught her! She is so smart, it drives me crazy sometimes, but I love her all the same! Her dad would be so proud, I try to video as much as she will let me, but she gets shy in front of the camera. She also is picky about what she says in front of who. The other day we were visiting Maija, and she wouldn't say "buck buck buck" and flap her wings like a chicken, which she does ALL the time running around our house! She had also done it in front of Dean and everyone else, but she would NOT do it for Maija! Yesterday, I gave her a little bowl of cheese its while she was watching TV. I was browsing the internet and just hanging out, before I knew it she was sleeping!! With a cheese it in one hand and the other hand in her bowl! It was the cutest thing, I love moments like that. I just wish her daddy was here to see it!

Dear Deployment,
Because of you, Zach can't see our daughter grow right in front of his eyes. He has to rely on the internet and phone to keep up with her. Something happens everyday, shoot, something happens every hour that I would have wanted him to see. Even though he isn't here physically, he is always there for me emotionally. I am so lucky to have a man like him in my life, not very many people get so lucky. You can't ruin the relationship between us, and we will always back each other up. Love, Elsa..

Happy Birthday Baby Jamsey!

Thursday was Rea's best friend James' birthday! He turned one, he's much smaller than Rea, however, they get along great! They share EVERYTHING, toothbrushes, bottles, sippy cups, you name it, they share it. Today we had his "birthday party" and it wasn't much of a party, but he's only one and he had a wonderful time eating spaghetti and then chowing down on a cupcake. Rea also enjoyed making a mess of herself. Soon after Rea smashed her cupcake into her chest, she threw a fit because she was so dirty. I rinsed her off in the sink and then took her up to the tub. Tanya wasn't too far behind me with Jamsey. They splashed and laughed and splashed and laughed. It was one of the cutest things EVER! Tanya and I laughed the entire time they were playing. This was Rea's first bath with a BOY! I don't believe it's her last either. Now, she's out on the tundra picking tea. Her auntie Tyne wanted to take her, she along with Ariana, Susan, and Mary Sue. I am eating granola with yogurt and enjoying the empty (besides dogs) house.

I haven't heard back about the job I applied for yet, which makes me nervous. I really would love to work back at TANF. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a program through Maniilaq that provides money for families who have children and cannot financially support them. It's not only a program that gives money out, it helps those families get back onto their own two feet. I will be very disappointed if someone who gets the job, doesn't really CARE about the well being of the people and just wants to hand out money. There have been people who didn't care, and just handed out money, which wasn't only partially illegal, but it was immoral. I am the kind of person who gets sick to my stomach seeing people who don't know how to apply for a job, or can't provide for their family because they don't have someone to push them in the right direction. I just want to help.

Today is also my brother in law Dean's birthday! I won't mention how old he is, but I can say that he's the best brother I could ever ask for! Rea simply adores him, and I swear they have their own little language or understanding of each other. I love how he melts around her, and she gets so excited when she sees him. Also, Zach loves him. I swear if he could choose between seeing Dean and seeing me, he might really consider seeing Dean instead! So thank you Dean, for being an awesome brother in law, and for making my biggest sister happier than I have ever seen her! We love you

Dear Deployment,
As for you, I don't thank you and I don't like you. I do however know that because of you, my husband and I have a better marriage, and I know that when he comes back, we will be stronger than ever. Once we get through this, we will be able to get through anything. Love, Elsa...

ZUMBA!

Zumba recently started up here in northwest Alaska, and let me tell you. I LOVE IT. I live for this kind of thing. I have never been the type to go and workout everyday, except during high school sports, when I was at practice every single day. Lately though, zumba has been the highlight of my day! If you know me personally, you know that I LOVE to dance. When I was in college, the only classes I really honestly made it to every week were my dance classes. I begged and begged everyone to come dancing with me every weekend and my sisters and I are probably the ONLY ones who can go to Lion's Club sober on Saturday night and have loads of fun. When I do zumba, I feel liberated, I feel like I belong when I am dancing, and really it doesn't feel like a workout to me. It doesn't feel like I have to try, I just have true and honest fun! Yesterday was an especially fun day, since I had such a crappy day to begin with. I met up with Kristen and her mom and Stephanie at zumba and even before the workout started, we were laughing and having a good time. Kristen and Stephanie always get a kick out of how I do things, because I get so into it, and if you are in my way, I apologize, because I don't notice. I don't notice, which also means I probably bump, or swing my arm out and accidentally hit you. I don't mean it.. it just happens. There are a couple of things that I do really over the top, and dancing is one of them. I can dance and dance and dance, like the energizer bunny. Sometimes when zumba is over, the first song comes back on and I feel like doing the workout all over again. People ask if I ever get tired of dancing, are you freaking kidding me?! I never get tired of it. I dance all over the house, while I am cleaning, while I am cooking, when I am in the shower. Basically any chance I get, I am dancing. Ariana thinks its funny, and usually it is funny, but really, it keeps me sane! On Saturday, we went to Lion's Club and danced the night away, it's such a stress reliever. My cousin Charlotte asked how I had so much energy, and really I have no idea, because I don't stay up very late, but I rarely sat down. I never felt tired either. Call it what you wanna call it, but I am a dancer through and through.

always pray for those who truly need it

well hello (=
I know it's been weeks since I the last time I wrote. I have been home, feeling like i'm going a million miles an hour and since I usually am only on my phone I don't write enough. I have been needing to write though, a friend of mine reminded me on facebook today that I should write. She's absolutely right, I should be writing everyday, or at least every time something happens. In the last few weeks, I have been babysitting my cousin Josie's baby, Saima. She is four months old, and don't get me wrong, she's SUPER cute. But she cries a lot more than Rea did. I couldn't imagine her being my own kid. I recently applied for a real job at Maniilaq though and I am really hoping that I get it. It will be a nice change to have to get up every morning at the same time and not have to be around Rea 24/7. Also, we will be able to save more money!

Lately, I have been feeling pretty sorry for myself, even though I shouldn't be. I am reminded daily that there are people who have it a lot worst than I do. Recently a friend of mine got run over by a truck and broke a lot of bones and was in critical condition. I have been praying for her. I also spoke with a guy who's girlfriend miscarried her baby, he explained how she had to go through labor and push him out. He watched the whole thing, not being able to help her in pain. I'm sure if he could have, he would have traded her places. I prayed for them. A new mother and her baby were in a car accident in Killeen, the mother did not survive and the father of the baby is trying to come home from Iraq. I am praying for them. Every time I start to feel sorry for myself, I remember that there are people who have it a lot worst than I do. yeah, I don't get to see my husband for a year, but he's alive. I get to speak to him, he gets to see me and Rea on Skype. Really, I am pretty lucky to have a husband who really truly loves me and my daughter. We are lucky to have friends and family who support us 100%.

Other than trying to get a new job, I have been doing well. Rea has been pretty fussy,  I think she's getting her last few teeth. It's driving me crazy though. I have been having some really rough dreams. Last night, I had a dream that I was sleeping somewhere with Rea and someone broke into the house and was gonna rape me. I fought it but he managed to give me a two cuts. One on my stomach, from under my belly button to under my boob, and one on my right arm. In my dream, Rea slept through everything, and when the guy left, I was laying in my bed, motionless, crying because there wasn't anything I could do. I am always afraid of dying, with Rea around and no one finding us until it's too late for her too. Especially when Zach was gone and I was still in Texas. I was always worried about Brittany and Chrissy too, since both of their husbands were gone and they both have kids the same age as I do. I woke up, sweating and crying. It didn't help that Magnus was whining to go outside even though I had let him out an hour and a half before, and Fritz was whining downstairs, as she had been all night. Irritated, I drug myself out of bed and pulled Magnus back up the stairs, put the gate back up, and went back to bed. Even though I was terrified that I would have the same dream again. Though I didn't have the same dream, Ariana and I were in a city, i'm not sure where, and we were lost. The dream went on and eventually she was lost from me and I was wondering around looking for somewhere to go. My dad told me he has a lot of dreams about being lost as well. I wonder if it means something. After a long long night, Rea woke up extra early, because she could hear Magnus, and after dragging out getting up as long as I could, we went down stairs and I fed and watered the dogs. Soon after feeding and watering the dogs, I put Magnus outside and Rea and I walked home. I amaqed her. Which means I put her on my back, with a jacket that fits both of us in it. It's pretty muggy and ugly out. It's not too cold, which is nice, but it has been raining on and off for a couple of days. We got lucky and didn't get rained on.

Once we got home, I let Rea watch her morning cartoons and we relaxed. Since I was especially tired, I was hoping that she would fall asleep, but I never got that lucky. I was in and out of sleeping while she was laying down with me, but every time I thought she might be sleeping, she would move and we would both be up. After many failed attempts at putting her to sleep, I finally gave up and checked facebook and to my surprise, Zach was online and he had sent me a number of messages. I was happy that I got to talk to him and it brightened my day a bit. He makes me so proud. He makes me so content with my life, even when it's super crazy. So after flighting with Rea to nap, and talking to Zach, I gave up and asked my sister Saima to watch Rea for a while so I could nap. She picked her up around one and I made a cake in the microwave and put a load of clothes in the wash. Then I went into my room and shut the door. I slept for a little over an hour and only woke up because Saima had texted me asking if I was ready for Rea to come home. I quickly got up and into the shower. Rea was playing in the living room by the time I got out, but it was a really good shower! Remember the cake I made in the microwave? Well I am an at home Tupperware consultant, which means I have lots of Tupperware gizmos and gadgets. One of them happens to be a microwave oven. Which means I could cook things that should normally be baked in the microwave for a fraction of the time. I baked a store bought cake in the microwave in eight minutes! With no waiting for the oven to preheat. It tastes just like regular cake and some will even argue that it is more moist. I had planned on making cake balls for our house, but after a chocolate melting fiasco I decided I kivit, and I am making Ariana finish them! After the cake balls, we are gonna go for a ride and then I am gonna pick up Maija's car. Then it's ZUMBA time!! I love doing zumba, it keeps me sane!

Dear Deployment,
You suck, today you threw a bunch of crap at me, and even after feeling like crying, I didn't and I am now in a good mood. Lets just hope you are shorter, rather than longer okay? I would really appreciate that. Rea is growing everyday and needs her daddy around. She loves and misses him everyday, as do I. These next couple of days I will be waiting for a phone call for some work. Once I start really working, you will go by faster. Love, Elsa...

FINALLY!

I finally have the energy to blog today. I finally didn't fall asleep doing something. I finally can give you an overview of my trip (= Sorry in advance if it's a bit jumpy aroundy.

Our road trip from Texas to Alaska was a blast. There was lots and lots of driving. Lots and lots of farms, lots and lots of trees and not nearly enough sleep! We drove into Dallas, spent the night there, dropped off Saima and Rea at the airport at 5 am and then went back to bed! Maija had an appointment at 11 am to get her passport. Then we had to wait for it to process or whatever. So we didn't get out of Dallas until around 3 pm. We had planned on driving all the way to Denver Colorado, which meant we would have been driving until around 3 am. But, we started seeing tons and tons of lightening. So we ended up stopping in a little town near the boarder of Texas and New Mexico, Dahlart. It had a strong smell of cat pee. Every where! Our hotel room wasn't bad though, mostly it stunk right outside the hotel doors.

On the second day, we drove through the boarder of Texas and New Mexico, and then New Mexico and Colorado. In Colorado we stopped in Denver to visit Lucy Boyd, who was Miss Arctic Circle when I was running for Miss Teen Arctic Circle! She cooked us a HUGE musk ox and gravy dinner. Then we had smelts and seal oil and a whole bunch of other food for the native soul! We ended up spending a couple of hours over there and then got back on the road and crossed the boarder into Wyoming. We had planned on driving until around 1 am, but when we found out that recently married Mary Ann Goff, just moved into the next town we were driving through. So we stopped and stayed at her house for the night. We shared lots of laughs and stories from her wedding.

Day three, we only got into Montana. Day three was not exciting, we just drove... and passed farm after farm after farm. In Montana we had planned on going out, but ended up only going to Applebees and then going home and going to bed because we were way too tired!

On the fourth day, we crossed the boarder into Canada! Canada is beautiful and we were awestruck at everything. I will be honest when I say that I can't remember exactly where we stayed each night in Canada, but I do know that we stayed in Whitecourt, Fort Nelson, and the car... I also don't know exactly how many days we were there. I was extremely tired, and I can hardly remember things anyway! In Canada we ran into a family that is from Kotzebue, the Hully's! It was awesome because after we had seen them we started following them and it took a lot of stress off of our shoulders. We stopped at the hotsprings and whirlpool and a fancy little cabin near a lake. Canada is beautiful. It reminds me a lot of Alaska.

Anyway, we are back and alive. I am super sleepy. Hopefully I can catch up on sleep more and blog more often. But for now I am good.

Dear Deployment,
The last couple of weeks or days or however long it's been since I wrote, I win. I ruled you. I passed my one month mark, which makes me super proud! I also got to skype with Zach for the first time, which was AMAZING!! Anyway, you suck and I am tired. Love, Elsa...

Best day yet!!

Today my sisters flew into Dallas! I was so excited to drive up here and pick them up. I hardly slept last night, I felt like a little kid! I didn't let Rea nap this afternoon, so by the time I was ready to get everything in the car she was so tired! She didn't sleep the whole way, but she wasn't too bad. Rea was SO happy to see Saima and maija! As was I, after the airport we checked into a hotel and went to olive garden for dinner. It was nice to not have to feed Rea!! She sat next to Saima and ate whatever Saima put in front of her. After eating what she liked, she started feeding Saima everything else. It was so cute! Saima and Maija were not very tired after dinner because they are still in Alaska time, so after dinner we went to Wal Mart to walk around. Let me tell you, trips to Wal Mart with my sisters is so much more fun than a regular trip to Wal Mart! When the three of us are together it's so much fun! Anyway, it's way past my bedtime and I can hardly keep my eyes open! I'll write a better more detailed story later...

Dear Deployment,
Today was wonderful. I got to see my sisters and that made Rea super happy!! I win today. Even though I didn't get to talk to Zach. Love, Elsa...

so excited!

Maija and Saima left for Dallas today!! They don't get there until tomorrow evening, but they did LEAVE! I can't wait until they get here, I can't wait to have some help moving!! Today, I moved a few more things from my house to Chrissy's, but I had Rea the WHOLE time. It was pretty tough, and I have to say that I really really missed Alaska today. I saw at least ten MEN today, who were STARING at me. Starting at me struggle to carry heavy boxes and I'm sure they could hear Rea SCREAMING, becuase that's what she did the whole time. It was frustrating to see them stare the way they did. I thought Texas had real "southern hospitality" and the military was full of "gentleman" YEAH RIGHT. I carried my boxes and bags and baby from my house to my car, and then again from my car into Chrissy's house. If I someone who looked like they were struggling, I would help, maybe not if I had Rea but, I would help if I could and if Zach were here, I would have MADE him help someone. I feel like if my husband isn't doing anything important and I see someone who needs help, it's common courtesy to help. In my eyes anyway, apparently not in the eyes of all of the people stationed here. After moving more boxes, Rea and I had pizza for dinner and hung out at Chrissy's. I really really really can't wait until tomorrow! I just keep thinking about that!

Dear Deployment,
I think because of you, people are ass holes. Becuase of you people are bitter and don't care about other people. That makes me sad, because I come from a place where everyone cares about everyone. You can't change that about me. I will always win in that aspect! Love, Elsa..

I love it when

forget about food that I put in the fridge or freezer. Sometimes I will make cheesecake and while I am impatiently waiting for it to cool I find something else to do and I forget what I was waiting for. When my tummy starts a rumblin' I head back to the fridge/freezer to find something to devour, and to my surprise, there is a giant cheesecake sitting right in front of me, practically begging me to eat it. Anyway, today Brittany and I went to a couple of garage sales. Someone was selling "magic bars" or 7 layer bars, which I happen to LOVE. I don't even like chocolate really, but the mixture of chocolate, and coconut, and whatever else is in it, makes it uh-maze-ing! It was a little over 100 degrees this afternoon, which meant that it was melting. So I put it in the freezer, only meaning to leave it in there for 10 minutes. Between Rea running crazy and the TV blaring and facebook stalking, I forgot about it! I made lunch, and played with Rea. Then I put her down for a nap and relaxed. Still not realizing that I have a delicious, homemade, "magic" bar hiding in the freezer. After Rea's nap, I made dinner, and I had put a Sunkist in the freezer while Rea was asleep so I could drink it during dinner. I reached into the freezer and pulled out the Sunkist, still not seeing the decadant bar, two inches from the Sunkist. After our tummies settled, I took Rea to the park, even though it was 100 degrees. We lasted about an hour, before I couldn't handle chasing Rea around anymore! I felt like I was sweating buckets! When we got home, Rea and I shared a popcicle. A popcicle from the same freezer that my magic bar was hiding in! Rea got sleepy soon after coming home from the park, but of course, she had to have her tickle time before bed. She gets cranky before bed, but as soon as we get into bed and it's time to go to sleep, she gets giggly and silly. Zach taught her how to say "tickle tickle" even though it sounds more like "ticka ticka" I LOVE IT! I don't know how I am going to sleep on our drive back to Alaska.. Maybe thats a good thing, maybe I will just drive non-stop until we get there. Yeah right, who am I kidding? I need sleep, I would sleep all the time if I could! Okay, back to my story! After Rea was sound asleep, I came back into the living room and turned on Project Runway. As I lay on the couch, basking in my fatness, wishing I could eat a peice of cake. Then it struck me! I had a chocolatey coconutty peanut buttery delicous bar in the freezer! I hopped off of the couch, probably with the most spunk I have had in the last week. I know that I have what some people call breast feeding brain, and I forget simple things and I can't spit out what I want to say the way I want to say it sometimes. But how did I forget about that for so long?! Thank goodness I did, because I found it at the perfect time. Now my tummy is happy and I am going to SLEEP!!

Dear Deployment,
Even though I didn't get to talk to Zach on the phone today, I know he is safe. We got to chat a little (= Because he is somewhere new, he accidentaly went to the place to go on the internet instead of the phone. He told me something today that gave me butterflies. "I love you more and more with each passing second" He always brightens my day, or night! Now if I feel down, I will think to myself, he loves me more now, than he did just a second ago and that will always bring my mood up. Simple things like that are what make me so much stronger. Love, Elsa...

I love my family

Only a couple of days before Maija and Saima get here!! I am so excited! They had a bread and jam/jelly sale today! Them along with a couple of other friends make a bunch of jam and jelly and bread and doughnuts and other various items. Maija texted me a little over an hour after the sale started, to tell me that they sold out!! I couldn't believe it! This brought a teeny tiny tear to my eye, becuase I was so happy and proud to be from Kotzebue and to have friends and family like them. Today and the chili feed makes Maija and I's drive up to Alaska much less stressful. Zach got to call this afternoon, to tell me that he was waiting for his plane and he doesn't know when he's gonna get the chance to call again. Hopefully sooner rather than later (=

Besides the bake sale in Kotzebue, I packed a lot up, and after Rea took her nap I brought her to Brittany and Mason's house so I could move some stuff. It was nice, becuase I didn't have to worry about Rea pulling everything out as I put it in. And I got to take a nice shower without worrying about her! As I was packing up the rest of my clothes, I came across one of Zach's t-shirts. My heart dropped, and then I smelled it. I broke down, for the first time since he left. I completely broke down, and lay on my bed and cried. For the first time since the night he left, I couldn't hold it in. Rea wasn't there to keep me from crying. No one was there to stop me from having that single moment. The moment that I can't hold in forever. I needed that I think, even though it was really rough and it took me a while to regain composure. I laid on my bed for a good 10-15 minutes just holding his dirty t-shirt. Basking in the smell of his cologne, missing the nights that we would go to bed and I would complain about him not showering or changing before hand. Now I would give anything to smell him again. Even if he hadn't showered for a week and spent everyday in 120 degree weather.

After regaining my composure, I picked Rea up and came back to Chrissy's. She took a nap, and then we made a short trip to the commissary, and I sold the fish tank and TV stand. Now she's fast asleep after fighting her. She wouldnt' fall asleep tonight. She would lay down, and roll over. Then giggle, and look at me, it was super cute, but I just wanted her to fall asleep so I could have my little bit of personal time! After she's asleep, I get my little  bit of time to blog and stalk facebook! I also get to eat popcicles without having to share! Every momma needs some personal time everyday. Even if it's just a few minutes.

Dear deployment,
Today was the first time that I broke down. Today you beat me for a few minutes. You didn't win today, but I did lose it for a minute. I love Zach so much, and I will wait for him, forever if I have to. He couldn't have called at a more perfect time, and even though I tried to mask my sadness, he knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. He always knows, exactly what to say or do to make me feel better. For that and many many other reasons, you can't ruin our relationship. Love, Elsa..

Love my husband

Yesterday was Zach and I's first anniversary. I was more emotional than previous days, but I didn't cry. I was happy that I got to talk to Zach more than normal. He called four times! I am so happy and blessed that Zach and I have been married for the last year. He makes me happier than I have ever been, and even though he is a bazillion miles away, he still makes me smile in my darkest hour. He reminded me that I should be happy to be married. Rather than being sad that he isn't here to celebrate. This week was rough, not only was it just the begining, his birthday was this week, and yesterday was our anniversary. I didn't cry, but I was sad. I also think that part of the reason that I have been so tired is because I am emotionally tired. I have had such an emotional couple of weeks, even though I haven't been breaking down and showing all my crazy emotions, I feel every little thing. Sometimes when I am cooking, or cleaning or doing an everyday thing, and something goes wrong, I cry. Not because something went wrong, but because it's a "reason" to cry. I feel like I can't cry in front of Rea, so if something happens wrong, I cry a little. Just to let my heart feel better. It helps, even if I just shed one tear. I am the kind of person that cried as a kid and teenager. I cried ALL the time. My sisters could make me cry just by saying "cry, cry Elsa, you haven't cried today". My skin is slowly getting thicker though, becoming a mom and then a wife, I started learning how to control my emotions.

I remember the week that Zach and I got married. It was amazing, he got to kill a turkey and cook it all by himself. I cooked almost everything else, on my own. My mom watched and so did Rea and Zach. My dad came to Kotzebue, which he rarely did. He and Zach got to converse a lot, if you know my dad, you know he LOVES telling stories. Zach loves to listen, he's very entertained by my dad. My dad has so many amazing things to say. On the morning of our wedding, we woke up and finished all of the cooking and that day, was the first time I put Rea on the toilet to poop! She was only six months old, but she has a really obvious poop face, so when she started the face, I rushed her to the potty! When everything was finally done, I got to shower and get dressed. I remember being so content, and not nervous. I was so happy to be able to call him my husband! When it came time to go to the court house, Ariana and Saima picked flowers from my mom's "garden" for a boquet. I didn't know how I was going to feel when it came time to really get married, but I was calm and collected. With a HUGE smile on my face! We headed to the court house, me in jeans, a white top, and mukluks. Zach in jeans, a nice shirt, and moose hide slippers! It was awesome. When the judge was ready to start, I blocked out everything else that was going on and concentrated on only Zach. As our wedding went on, everything was perfect until Zach couldn't say my name! My emotions were running on high, and when he couldn't spit out "Elsa Ruth" I giggled and became so much more relaxed. I had never been so sure about anything in my life. After the wedding we ate and ate and ate. I was so stuffed, I had to get out of my outfit. We had some of our closest friends and my family over, and we relaxed. When it came time for bed, I was exhausted, but so happy, because I was finally Mrs. Carroll and I was so proud!

Dear deployment,
you suck. end of story. Love, Elsa..

Im always so sleepy

I have been doing really well, keeping myself busy and finding things to do on a daily basis, but today I was TIRED! I did not want to wake up when Rea did, but I dragged my booty out of bed and lay on the couch. Zach got to call this morning, it was amazing to hear his voice, we got to talk for a little over twenty minutes, which is a record for us! Usually he calls and we talk just long enough to say that we love each other and that we miss each other. The second that Rea started showing signs of sleepyness, I rushed into the bedroom and put her to bed! Not soon after, I crashed, and crashed hard. I didn't think we would sleep very long, but when my eyes finally decided to open, it had been two hours! Rea was still asleep, I was amazed. After some wiggling, Rea woke up. She is always super happy when she wakes up! I love it, she makes me see the world in a whole different way. I decided that I couldn't spend my entire day layiing around, so I went to my house and turned on cartoons for Rea. I needed to pack my Tupperware stuff in a single box so that I could take it all the way to Kotzebue and sell stuff! Of course Rea was more interested in "helping" me than watching cartoons. I was getting so frustrated with her, because I really wanted to fit everything in the one box. Everytime I put something in there she would pull it out and smile really big. It was funny, but a lot more frustrating. After fighting with her for a while, I finally got everything in the box and I closed it. I also packed a lot of other things as well. Today ended up being a lot more productive than I thought it would be. Rea and I made a trip to Wal-Mart to find some dinner, and I also got stuff to make bruschetta for the Deployed Spouse Support Group. After a late dinner, and a late skype with Zach's family, I put Rea to bed. Now I am watching Rivals and enjoying my mommy time. I am thinking about making a sun drop commercial when I go home! Wouldn't it be fun?

Dear Deployment,
Today started out in a funk, but ended productive (= I got a nice long phone call from my husband and even though technically it's our anniversary to him, i'll wait until tomorrow to talk about our love, and be sappy, and sad. I hate you for making us spend our first anniversary apart, couldn't you just wait a couple of weeks! Geez, no respect! Love, Elsa..

day trippin, Ausin!

Austin, is a little over an hour drive from Fort Hood, and Brittany invited me to come with her and Dave for the day. They had originally planned on taking the kids to the dinosaur museum, and the GPS was taking us a really weird way. I felt like we went the super long way! Instead of going to the dinosoar museum, we went parked downtown and started walking. After a few minutes of indecisive talking, we were drawn to the capital building. It was interesting, but not so much for two one year olds. There was a guy sitting in the middle of the building, yelling some verses from the bible. I'm not exactly sure what he was saying though, becuase there was so many other things going on. After walking around the capital building, we went outside to brave the heat again. We walked and mingled into some interesting shops. We found the Austin visitor's center, everywhere we looked, we saw Texas Longhorns! They even had ice trays and muffin pans in the shape of Longhorns! The person at the information desk, encouraged us to go to the kids museum of Austin. We walked there, and let the kids run wild for a while! Rea was so happy to be out of her stroller and carseat. She and Mason were automatically drawn to the slide. They went a couple of times, but I took Rea to see something else, and Mason was so entertained by the slide, no matter where Brittany and Dave took him, he ran back to the slide. There were lots of interesting things for the kids to play with, including a mock train station, grocery store, and kitchen. There were lots of activities that used golf balls, and plenty of other toys for tots. After the museum, we had to eat. The guy at the information desk had reccomended going to Annie's. He said it would be good "for all of us". This place was not kid friendly, I was surprised that they had high chairs! They didn't have any kind of kid food, but I ordered Rea mashed potatos. They were amazing! It reminded me of the mashed potatos that my mom makes. I had a cesar salad with grilled salmon, and it was amazing as well. After eating, we headed back to our cars and started the drive back home. I went home, to change and now I am at Chrissy's, watching Teen Mom and relaxing. Rea is asleep. It's nice.

Dear Deployment,
I would have loved to have Zach here today. It was amazing hanging out with Brittany and her family, but it was a little sad at the same time, because Brittany had her husband, and more importantly, Mason had his daddy. Less than a week though, and my sisters will be here!! I am excited to see them and have some help with Rea. When we are through with you, Zach and I will be able to do family things again. I look forward to that, and I look forward to having my husband back. Love, Elsa...

failed attempts don't ruin my day!

Rea woke up today in a really good mood, even though she didn't sleep well. She was happy to wake up at Chrissy's house, but after a little bit of playing alone, she looked around and her face changed completely. She realized that Cameron and Chrissy weren't here! It was so cute, but kind of sad at the same time. I didn't think she would notice things like that so quick. Even her dad being gone, I thought she would think he was at work all day, but she knows. She knows when we go to bed that he's not gonna come to bed with us. Every night, she turns away from me and faces where her dad used to lay. She has been doing it since she could roll over. I love it, when Zach is there, she faces him and touches his chest and falls back asleep. It's beautiful, and amazingly wonderful.
After forcing myself off the couch, we headed home and showered up. Brittany, Dave, and Mason came over and bought our couch. Then we decided that we were going to the Splash park so that the kids could wear themselves out. When we got there though, the water was turned off and when Dave asked someone about it, they said it "just turned off" We decided not to wait around with the fussy kids, and headed back on post to go to the pool. Brittany and Dave got there before me, because I had to put an actual swimsuit. When I got there, I started putting sunscreen on Rea, but I heard a whistle blow. The lifeguard told everyone to get out of the pool. Apparently a baby spit up some pool water and they had to close it for a half hour. By this time, Rea was so antsy because she loves water. We ended up taking the kids to Brittany's and just letting them play in the sprinkler. When they were done, I took Rea home and let her play in the tub extra long. I packed a little more, while Rea watched cartoons, and right when I was about to start doing the dishes, Rea got cranky. I didn't really feel like cooking, so I took the easy way out. I made chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese. Rea has been not eating as much as I would like her, she has been closing her mouth to everything I give her. I thought that maybe if I let her feed herself she might eat more. She is getting to that stage where she has to do everything by herself. It's making me crazy, I feel like I have to bathe her twenty seven times a day! She is such a messy eater, but I knew that would happen. That is the one thing she took after me! After dinner, I did the dishes and came back to Chrissy's house. Rea was almost ready for bed, but I made her stay up for a little while, because I don't want her to wake up at 6 am. We got to skype with Zach's family, it was nice to see a couple of them again, but Rea was cranky and she would not sit still for ANYTHING! I even tried to feed her cake! I put her to bed, and I am watching all the shows Chrissy had set to record. Including Surprise Homecoming, which means I am also bawling my darn eyes out. I need to learn how NOT to watch this show. Seriously.

Dear Deployment,
No phone call from Zach today because of you. Oh well though, because I will always know that no news is good news. and I always know that he loves us. I don't have to worry about him, and he shouldn't worry about me. It's not that easy, but we try. I look forward to my sisters coming and moving home. But not nearly as much as I look forward to kicking your ass.. Love, Elsa...

Lake, cake, and true blood

Today was my "going away" thing. Chrissy, Brittany, Dave, Keren, Shawn, the kids, and I went to the lake to grill hot dogs and swim the day away. Rea woke up freakishly late this morning, so I had time to shower all by myself for the first time since Zach left. It was nice, but I would rather shower with Zach and Rea then shower alone. It was nice to have time to fix my hair though, if you know me, you know that my hair is always a mess. I french braided it in the front and put it in a pony tail. We came over  to Chrissy's house so that we could ride with her to the lake in her van. Of course we were running late, I feel like I am never on time now that I have a child. We got to the lake around noon, and headed straight for the water, but as we were walking down, Dave was walking back up. Apparently the life guards needed a break. We suffered in the sun with antsy kids until the break was over. As soon as the whistle was blown we took the kids to the water. Rea loved it. She loves water, if I let her, she would sit in the bath tub all day long. Cameron and Mason were more interested in the sand and running away from their mommies. There are only certain places where we could swim, and there were minnows everywhere. Keren and Brittney kept getting tickled by them. They didn't come near me and Chrissy as much, I think because we were constantly moving with the kids. It wasn't a big deal until we saw a big black "thing" in the water. Then a little head stuck out! Then, it went back under water! We came running out of the water after that. I think it was a turtle, but we can't be sure because it wasn't close enough to us. Thank goodness! After the turtle, Dave started cooking the hot dogs and we started snacking on chips and other things. I had made macaroni salad last night, but we forgot forks. So when I went to rinse my feet off, I asked the little shop. They told me "we only have limited supply, I can't give them to you" So we didn't get to eat macaroni salad while we were there. We hung out, for a while, but it was nasty hot out and the kids were fussy, so we started getting ready to leave. We had planned on hanging out there all day, but thought we would only last an hour. We ended up being there for about three and a half hours. When we came back to Chrissy's, she put the macaroni salad in the fridge and as soon as it was cool enough I ate a huge bowl. I love macaroni salad, I will be eating it for lunch everyday this week! Chrissy leaves to Michigan tomorrow, and I wont be able to see her and Cameron before we head back up to Alaska.  I'm gonna miss them, Rea is gonna miss them too. We made a carrot cake, and Chrissy and I both ate two huge pieces. Now we are watching True Blood while the babies sleep, I am gonna stay the night here. She leaves super early and I am gonna stay here anyway so I can fully empty my house and clean it. Thank goodness for good friends. Zach got to call earlier and he sounded well. I read a blog about a lady who's husband passed away in Afghanistan. Reading things like that terrifies me. I need to not read things like that, but I am drawn to reading about other women's experiences and how they cope with what happened. Sometimes I cry, just because, and I think that's okay. I think it's okay to break down every once in a while. I tear up when I watch commercials for surprise homecoming shows. I'm so emotional when Zach is gone. I feel like I did when I was pregnant, like someone could say a simple word and i'll just cry, just because. I hope I sleep well tonight, I have been having a tough time feeling like I slept really well. When I wake up, I still feel tired, and most days I feel groggy all day. Hopefully I will be better once i'm back home.

Dear Deployment,
I would appreciate getting some sleep please (= I know your out to ruin people and make family members of soldiers lives crazy. I guess even if you don't let me sleep, you won't ruin me. I'll still win, I will still be madly in love with my husband when he comes home. Goodnight deployment, you suck. Love, Elsa...

watching Honey, an all time favorite!

Today was Zach's 21st birthday. I didn't feel like getting up out of bed, and I didn't feel like doing anything at all today. I tried as long as I could to lay in bed and mope, but with an active one year old, that's near impossible. After I finally gave in, I came and lay on the couch in the living room while Rea watched cartoons. I got to talk to Zach this morning, and it was wonderful. He makes my days so much brighter, even when I feel like shit. Today was one of those days, one of those days that I really really wished Zach was home. I really wanted to do something special for him. I really wanted him to have a wonderful birthday expirence. He said he got to play basketball for a little while today, and that made me feel a little better. Because I know that he loves basketball. If it were up to him, he would play basketball for a living. For father's day, we bought him a basketball. I was in the kind of mood to complain and whine all day. So every little thing bothered me today. I have come to HATE when people act like they know what it's like, I HATE when people who have never been away from their husbands or family for any period of time try to give me advice. I am doing amazing, in my eyes anyway. I haven't broken down, I haven't let this ruin my days. Sometimes I think about everything that has happened in the last few months, and I am so proud of my little family. We are stronger than ever, even though Zach isn't here. I am a whole different person now, a year ago, I would have cried my eyes out, all day everyday for a week. Six months ago, I would have ran home, without taking care of anything. I am proud to be an army wife, proud to say that I can handle situations like this. I have to say, that I am dreading Zach and I's first anniversary. I don't want it to come. Today was tough, but our anniversary is gonna be 100 times more tough. I married Zach on July 28, 2010 in Kotzebue. It was a wonderful day, I spent the morning cooking and Zach spent the morning playing with Rea, talking with my dad, and sleeping. I loved every last bit of that day. I just keep trying to look forward to next year, when we have a real wedding. Then the years after that, when we are sick of each other, and fighting over who has to cook dinner, and everything that old married couples do. I never knew a love like the love that I get from my husband. He makes me feel so special, and beautiful, even when I haven't showered and just worked out. He knows exactly what to say to make my day better. Sometimes I think about him, and cry happy tears because I got so lucky. I know it's silly, but when he calls and I know it's him, I get instant butterflies as soon as he says "hey babe" Even if we only get to say hello, and that we love each other, I cherish every phone call. I don't konw how I will react the first time I miss his call. I need to head to bed, we are going to the lake tomorrow to have a picnic for my early going away party. I am excited, even though i'll probably feel like im melting. I don't know how long we will last in the sun out there!

Dear Deployment,
Today you can suck it. Extra puke on you today. Thanks deployment for ruining Zach's 21st birthday. Next year though, we will make up for it. Big time. I'm not in the greatest mood tonight, but I didn't lose it today, so I still win. Eat your heart out deployment, becuase I won't break. Love, Elsa...

Happy Birthday Zach, I love you!

Happy Birthday Husband

Today is Zach's birthday, which makes for a sadder day than normal. He is 21 today, and I wish we could have done something special for him, because he made my 21st birthday so special. I didn't write last night, so I will write once this morning and one more time tonight. Yesterday, Rea slept until nine, which is pretty late for us. I packed a little more, and put the laundry away from the day before. After Rea's midmorning nap, I made her stay awake. I wanted to be tired when we went to Brittany's house, but she was CRANKY, all day! Cameron was too though, he was on a roll getting into trouble! He kept looking at his mom, and then pushing Rea and making her cry, she was being over dramatic. He would get into trouble, and then just do it again like it never phased him. He is such a typical boy! I love it. After dinner, we headed over to Brittany's house, and Chrissy put Cameron straight to sleep. Rea wasn't having that game, even though she fell asleep in the car on our way over. Brittany's husband Dave had his friends over, and they were playing beer pong. Once Rea finally fell asleep, I sat outside and watched the guys, and talked with the girls. Chrissy had never played beer pong, so we decided to play, we just threw, other people drank our beer. Since we are sissys. I didn't get home until late and I was way too tired to write. We went straight to sleep.

Yesterday, at four, it was technically Zach's birthday. His time, and today will be his birthday until midnight our time, and midnight Alaska time, which gives him about eleven hours extra of birthday! Sounds lucky, but I still wish he was here and only had 3 extra hours of birthday. I really was looking forward to spending the day at the lake and making him a cake. I also wanted to cook a huge breakfast for him with steaks and eggs and pancakes. He deserves the best and I hope that he gets something special, or gets to do something special today. When he comes home, we will celebrate all of the things he missed.

Dear Deployment,
Becuase of you, I can't see my husband on his birthday. I can't celebrate a milestone birthday with him. But I am not going to be depressed today, maybe a little sad. I may eat a little more sugar today than normal, but I am not depressed. I love Zach, and I look forward to celebrating many more birthdays with him. Happy Birthday Zachary Lance, I love you with all of my heart. I can't wait for you to come home, your the best and you deserve the best. Love, Elsa...

Rea is always the last one standing!

I am over at Chrissy's tonight doing laundry, since I sold our washer and dryer a few days ago. Mason is also here so his mommy and daddy can have some time to themselves. The kids play and play and play. Cameron is always put to bed first, and then Mason usually joins short after. Rea though, plays all night. She fights and fights to stay awake. Sometimes I think she just likes to play alone with everyone elses toys. Right now, it's 10:44 and she's still up. Maybe I will get lucky and she will sleep in tomorrow. Today, I packed up some more. I organized Zach's things, Chrissy is letting me keep his army stuff here, so I don't have to take everything back to Alaska and then back to Texas in less than a year. I also started packing up Rea's things, I figure I will pack a little suitcase for Saima to use while I am not there, and then a larger suitcase for me to use while I am in Kotzebue. Rea was excited to help, she kept trying to put everything in the suitcases and she was smiling really big. She knows something is up! I also started packing the clothes that I know I wont wear while i'm here, like jeans and long sleeve shirts. Rea was pretty cranky by the time I decided to stop packing, so I put her to sleep and shortly after, I joined her. I didn't realize that I fell asleep, and when I opened my eyes, it had been about two hours! She started making her poop face and I rushed her to the toilet. I left the bathroom, as I usually do, to get wipes. But when I came back this time, she was standing up backwards! I'm glad she didn't fall. We came over to Chrissy's to do laundry and Rea has had a pretty rough night. She has had multiple run ins with Cameron, mostly on accident and Mason bit her on the cheek. She still has a little red mark, but she's okay. Mason usually is the one being bullied, and tonight he was completley different. He was the bully, he even made Cameron cry! Really though, nothing special happened. It was another "normal" day. Chrissy leaves soon to Michigan for a family reunion and they don't get back until the day that we leave )= So sad, i'll miss a few things about Texas, and Cam and Chrissy are two of them! Tomorrow a friend of mine is having a romance party, I am looking forward to hanging out with girls. As soon as our laundry is done, Rea and I are headed home to bed! I am super duper tired! I hope Rea is too, because if she somehow stays up extra late again I might just fall asleep on her.

Dear deployment,
I didn't get to talk to my hero today, but he's busy learning. I'm not worried about him. I always remember that no news is good news. I hope though, that you don't keep me from talking to him on his birthday, because that might be a tough day, but i'm tough I'll survive our first anniversary without him too, because I know that we have many more years to celebrate together! Love, Elsa...

I discovered Hobby Lobby!

This morning, Chrissy texted me and asked if I wanted to come to Wal-Mart with her. Of course I wanted to, and yesterday we were talking about going to Hobby Lobby for a couple of days, so we went for the first time today! It was awesome! I loved it, and it was so hard not to buy a whole bunch of things to decorate my house. I had to keep telling muself that I am leaving in two weeks and I can't buy anything! I did find a couple of things that I had to have though!  I got a sign that says "We interrupt this marriage for hunting season" and one that says "May the Lord watch between you and me when we are absent one from the other Genesis 31:49" I thought both of them were perfect for us! I also bought a sign for Saima that says fresh eggs 10 cents a dozen! For Dean, I got one that says gone huntin' and for Maija, Excellence is not a skill it is an attitude. I also got really cute letters R E  and A. They are plain white, but I figured that Brittany or Maija could paint them! I normally wouldn't buy things like that, especially since we are about to move, but all wall decor was half off! I couldn't turn down a deal like that! I also found some purple and blue tye dye duct tape! I was so excited! When we got to Chrissy's house I made a flower, and then Chrissy asked if I could make her a flower to go on top of a pen. I had never done it, but I figured I would give it a shot. After a couple of tries, I figured it out and it turned out great! For the majority of the afternoon and early evening we just hung out at Chrissy's house and the kids played. Rea didn't nap today, and by about six, she was far past ready for a nap. I put her to sleep with no problem, and Chrissy said I should put her in Cam's crib. I didn't think she would stay asleep when I put her in, but she did. I even had to wake her up. I guess she was asleep for the night, because she was really cranky. When we came home though, I had to give her a bath. She was stinky from last night. Before she fell asleep, I played with her for a while, when she is super tired, she is giggly and it reminds me so much of Zach. It slightly breaks my heart, but it's hard to be sad when Rea is so happy! Now, I am watching Rivals and I can hear her snore in the background. I love it!
Today I got a phone call from a fellow army wife, who's husband deployed today. I don't know what to say to someone though. There really aren't words to make someone feel better. She doesn't have kids, so she CAN be sad. She can sit in her house and mope around. I don't have that option, I am thankful though, because I think if I did have the option, I would be the worst. I saw a sign at Hobby Lobby today that said "Happiness is a choice" I really believe that. I could easily be depressed and not do anything, but I chose to be happy on a daily basis. I chose to look at the positive and find things to look forward to.

Dear Deployment,
People tell me that the first month is the hardest, people tell me that I have to do this, or do that to get through you. I feel like I am either doing exactly all of the right things or I am oblivious to something. Because I am happy, I would be much happier with my husband, but I make the best of the situation. I will make it through the next year, always knowing that he loves me and always knowing that I love him. Love, Elsa...

Sprinklers, BBQs and a cockroach.

This morning, Rea woke up at 07:00 just to poop. So I put her on the toilet and she pooped, and I was super tired. I had to put her back to bed. We slept for another hour. I had a really hard time waking up though. Rea was pretty dramatic this morning, and when I finally put her down for a nap, she woke up like ten minutes later! It also happened to be when I was getting in the shower. I decided to let her shower as well, so I put her in the tub, with the water running and I turn around. For a quarter of a second it felt like, and when I turned back, there was a HUGE cockroach swimming around in the tub with her! I don't mind killing bugs, but I was told that cockroaches are very hard to kill. So in a a panic, I took Rea out of the tub. Both of us were completley nude, and I didn't know what to do. I wrapped Rea and myself in a towel, and went into the kitchen. I got a rubbermaid bin, the kind people store food in, and scooped it out of the tub, closed the cover and threw it away. After cleaning the tub out, we showered and as soon as I got dressed, I took the trash out. In that moment, I wished Zach was here. I wished that I didn't have to deal with nasty little bugs, and I realized that I can't live here without him. I feel like I constantly worry about bugs biting Rea and I don't like that.
After the whole cockroach thing, I headed over to Chrissy's house, becuase I had an appointment to get my hair trimmed. I love it when I get hair cuts, even just a trim. I went to a local lady, who cuts hair out of her house, she only charges $10! I love how she did it! After my haircut, I came home and picked up a box of cake that I had in the pantry, so Chrissy and I could eat it. While I was home, teh FedEx guy came and Brittany's Tupperware came in! When I told her about it, she invited us to a BBQ. We decided not to be super fattys, so we took the cake with us to share. It was really nice to hang out with adults and have our kids just play in the back yard! They got to run through the sprinkler, and it was Rea's first time. She loved it, she loves anything that has to do with the water. Sometimes I think she is part fish, and part dog, and part boy. Or she is just 100% her dad's child. Rea also discovered bacon, she loves it! She hasn't been eating as well as I would like her to, but she is getting better. I wish Zach was home to enjoy tonight. We sat outside, and Zach would have loved that. Not to mention, he would have gotten along great with the other guys that were there. On nights like this I really miss him when I go home. I know that he is okay though, and I don't worry about him. Now that we are home, Rea is fast asleep and I am watching Pretty Little Liars, then Teen Mom. If I can stay up that late!

Dear Deployment,
Today I almost died because of a cockroach, but after I gained my composure I was fine. I delt with it without freaking out, and I am proud of myself. It felt good to hang out with other adults, but because of you, my husband can't enjoy this kind of thing. I miss him on nights like this, but it didn't ruin the fact that I was having a good time. Today was good, tomorrow will be too. Love, Elsa...

Not numbering days anymore!

I decided I can't write "day 83, day 192" and so on, becuase I don't want to count days, and I don't want to know exactly how long it's been since I have seen my husband. I am not the kind of person who keeps track of things like that. I mean I can hardly remember my phone number, I can't concentrate on something like that. I would waste all of my energy on it, and I don't want that.
Last night, Rea stayed up really late. She would NOT go to sleep, I was so tired. She kept laying down with me and wiggling, like she couldn't get comfortable, then she would sit up and giggle and babble. I wont lie when I say it was super cute, but I was SO TIRED! I think the last time I checked the clock it was 2:30 am. Then she didn't really sleep in this morning, so we were running low on sleep. She was pretty cranky all morning, so after about an hour of being awake I took her back to bed. We both fell back asleep, and about after two hours, my phone rang. It was Zach! I was so happy that he woke us up, becuase as soon as I heard his voice, I smiled and then when I put him on speaker phone, Rea smiled. She always tries to steal my phone and say "hello" but when it came time to really talk to daddy, she got shy. Then every time I would take him off speaker, she would say "hi dad' I love her. After we talked to daddy, she went potty, and because she was being good, I let her take a nice long bath. She loves to play in the tub. She would play there all day if I let her. This afternoon, I cleaned the living room and put all of her toys back into her room. Rea watched an barney video, and I listened to the best song ever! Here is the link to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jO1aMvcIx_g&feature=related It's my favorite. I could listen to it over and over and over again. It is like a soul clensing thing. I love it. This evening, after dinner, I took Rea to the park, and she was so happy, she loves playing at the park. There was a very cute little girl there today, and she was so excited to play with Rea. She was almost three, and she loved being able to play with Rea. After the park, we came home, and I gave Rea much needed water, then I put her to bed. Thank goodness she fell right asleep tonight! Now I am watching Switched at Birth, and as soon as it's over, I will join my love bug in getting some shut eye.

Dear Deployment,
Today was a "normal" day, I think. Today, I didn't really do anything special, I didn't hang out with anyone but Rea, and we enjoyed it. Days like today aren't sad, they aren't depressing, but I would rather be around people. I am a people person, and because of you, I don't get to see one of the most important people in my life. I was happy today, and I am gonna be happy everyday, I will always look at the bright side. Love, Elsa...

Week one

I made it a week without my husband! I feel good, I feel like I am gonna kick this deployment's ass! Today, Rea literaly started to smile before she opened her eyes. I love it when she is happy, and I especially love it when she wakes up happy. I think it sets my mood for the day. If I didn't have Rea, I know that I wouldn't be this strong, I know that I wouldn't be the woman I am today if I didn't have her. When we found out that Zach was leaving in less than 48 hours, it was so hard to look at the positive, it was so hard to think about anything but the fact that I wouldn't see him for a year, and the thought of him possibly losing his life, broke my heart. But he reminded me that everything happens for a reason. We have been married for almost a year, and didn't get a real wedding. We got married at the court house in Kotzebue with only our closest friends and family. I have been dreaming about my wedding since I was a kid, and when Zach decided to join the army, we knew that we had to be married. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being married to him. If we had the choice to wait and have a real wedding though, I would have in a heart beat. Now that he's deployed, I get to plan my dream wedding! He should be home before our second anniversary, and with the extra money that will be coming in from the deployment, we can afford it. I am very excited to start planning, and I can't wait to be back in Alaska.
Today I hung out with Chrissy and Cameron again, we went to the PX to check out a new cupcake shop we had discovered on Facebook, and it was amazing. I ate a red velvet cupcake, and so did Chrissy. I really wanna go on Tuesday though, because they make strawberry cupcakes on Tuesday. We also picked up a shirt for her sister and a couple of other things. I wanted to buy myself a Fort Hood shirt, but I didn't find any I liked. We came back to Chrissy's and I dyed her under layer of hair with the same brown as the top was, to mellow the BRIGHT red out. It looks much better now. The kids played the day away, and we made twice baked potatoes. Also, I made some musk ox steaks. Chrissy had never had them, and she didn't like it, but I did. We also made vanilla pudding, with bananas and nilla wafers. I was so stuffed earlier, and I still feel like I am full. We watched a movie called Cyber Bully, it's about a high school girl getting hacked on a page kind of like facebook, and it turned into a huge thing in her school. It was pretty good. I don't think something to that extent would really happen in a school, but I would never know. We watched the Glee Project, which I LOVE. I love Glee too! I haven't left her house yet, but decided to blog before I went home, because I know when I get home, I will not be in the mood to blog. Rea wasw asleep, but now she's all over the place... She will be ready to fall asleep as soon as we get into the car though. This next week will be full of packing, and swimming (hopefully) ... I am far past ready for bed, so I am headed home.

Dear Deployment,
I made it through the first week. You have put me through a lot this week, but I am still happy. I know that I just started and I know that every week will not be as easy as this week. But I do know that with the right attitude and right support, I will never be broken. I will not be ruined. I will make it through this year. I will not allow myself to feel sorry for our family. I know there are people who have it worst. Love, Elsa...

Sensational Day Six

Today was wonderful (=
This morning, Rea woke up in a really good mood, and since we had gone grocery shopping, I made her eggs with cheese for breakfast. That girl, she eats so much cheese. If I were to have a peice of cheese in one hand and candy in the other, she would go for the cheese! As for me, I ate a toasted bagel, with cream cheese, and home made blueberry jam! It was so amazing, I LOVE blueberry jam. I can't wait to go home and eat it all the time! Chrissy asked if Rea and I wanted to come with her to Wal-Mart, so we did and I ended up getting  new case for my iPhone. I loved my old one, but it was coming apart. I picked out a super cute Kermit the frog case! I also got a "leash" for Rea. I never want to lose her, and I have NO problem putting the cute little puppy backpack on her with a leash connected to it. After Wal-Mart, we came back to my house, and I sold my washer and dryer, and I am glad I did. Even though now, I have to go to one of my friends houses to do laundry. Chrissy got her haircut, and while she was doing that, I put Rea down for a nap and baked a batch of oatmeal crasin cookies. I had planned on only making a half batch, because I always end up eating way too many if I make a whole one, but half way through I realized that I had been mixing all of the ingredients for a full batch.. oopsie (: I knew that if I had kept the cookies here, I would have eaten all of them, and I knew that I did NOT need to do that. So I texted one of Zach's really good friends, the one who is gonna help us with our insane housing situation, and asked if he liked oatmeal cookies. His reply was "I fucking love them!" So, I bagged up about half of them for him, and put the other half on a plate and headed over to Chrissy's house. Chrissy had been wanting to color her hair, and since she had just gotten it cut, she decided she wanted to do it at home. We headed back to Wal-Mart, I didn't plan on doing anything to my hair, but when we got to the hair dye section, I decided I needed something new as well. So I picked out a caramel blonde high lighting kit. Chrissy on the other hand, chose a BRIGHT red, for the under layer of her hair, and a brown for the top. By the time we got back to her house, both of the kids were cranky and hungry, so she heated up some chicken nuggets and we started the bottom of her hair. This was the first time I had ever bleached someone elses hair, and let me tell you, it was STINKY! Once the bleach was done, we added the red hair dye. It was SO red, and it got all over the place. Apparently, one of the gloves I had on had a hole in it, so my right middle finger is bright red. It looks hilarious. When she went to rinse it out, it took so long, and never ran clear. Before we did the top of her hair, we put mine into the silly cap that comes with the high lighting kit. It took forever to get all of the needed strands out of my stupid hair. It's so long, but I am not cutting it. I am so determined to have super pretty long hair for our wedding renewal! Once we had the dye in mine, we went back to Chrissy's and I did the top portion of her hair. During this time, the kids stayed in Cameron's room. They were being so GOOD! There were a couple of times that I checked on them and they were giggling with each other, like they were talking and enjoying themselves. I loved it. I just wish Brittany's son Mason was there! Her husband came back today from training, and I am super excited for her, but I still wish she was there! I had this crazy bag looking thing, that made me look like I had cat ears over my head, so we couldn't really see what my hair looked like, and when Chrissy finally got a peak, it was so BRIGHT blonde it freaked her out. I immediatley ran into the bathroom and looked. It was so bright, it was almost yellow. I rushed to rinse it out, and hoped that it wasn't gonna turn out looking like crap. Once I got it all rinsed out, I blow dried it a little and ended up loving it! I made some of the front streaks bigger than the rest, and that turned out looking really cool! Chrissy washed hers out when I was done, her red hair is so red! The brown is pretty, and helps calm the red down, so they go together well. Rea was extremely tired at this point, and Cameron had been sleeping for almost an hour. So after some girl talk, and facebooking, I got ready to go home. As soon as I put Rea in the car, she passed out, and then Zach called. I was so happy! It was morning his time, and he was getting ready for the day. Before I came home, I dropped off cookies to Adam, and he got to talk to Zach for a bit too. Now that I am home, I feel like I got hit by Mr. Sandman, and I feel like I got hit HARD! I'm off to bed.

Dear Deployment,
Days like to today make me think I can stay in Texas and enjoy myself. I know that I need to be home with family though, because everyday will not be this good. I feel  like i'm on a winning streak that you will never end! I love hearing the sound of my soldiers voice, and because of you, I don't get that everyday, but tonight I got it. Tonight he called to say goodnight. Tonight, I go to bed with butterflies in my tummy, and a smile on my heart. You can't win deployment, simply can't. Love, Elsa...

Day five, fabulous family!

This morning was wonderful. I got up and after a little bit of snuggling and giggles from my ReaSunshine. I then turned on cartoons and took the trash out, started the sprinkler (my poor lawn was getting brown!) and I started laundry! Pretty eventful morning if you ask me! I gave Rea breakfast, and since I had been eating oatmeal for the last few days and really that was all we had to eat for breakfast, I waited to eat. I NEEDED to grocery shop! Thank goodness for PayDay! Even though I was dreading the trip to Wal-Mart, because EVERYONE goes to Wal-Mart on pay day, I was excited to get something besides oatmeal and top ramen! Rea eats so much better than me. I guess I should pay more attention to my meals too. After some debating with myself about getting things like cake mix and pudding mix, I decided not to. Instead I got some beef, and some chicken. Macarooni and cheese of course, that's my FAVORITE food EVER, and a few other things that we needed. After the store, I put selling my stuff into full gear. I posted all over Fort Hood Yard Sales (on facebook) and Craigslist. So far, I sold Rea's little bookshelf, and my area rug. Someone is coming tomorrow to pick up my washer and dryer, and someone is waiting for a response from their hubby about buying my couch. I know that I don't leave for like 2 weeks, but it was payday, which means everyone has money right now (= Sometime this afternoon though, I got bored, and when I got bored, I also got hungry. So Rea and I found ourselves back at Wal-Mart, buying the stuff I had told myself I didn't need earlier. I figured though, if I don't eat it all at once it's okay right? My husband just deployed, at least I'm not on a drinking binge... Rea didn't really nap during the day, so at around five, she was SO ready to sleep. Thank goodness she did too, I managed to get another load of dishes done (mostly  new tupperware!) and clean a little. I also started packing a box of Zach's things, it was pretty sad, smelling his cologne and having to put all of his clean things in boxes and all of his dirty things in the wash. After I showered earlier I put on one of his t-shirts and that makes me feel closer to him. I had planned on baking cookies tonight, but Rea took FOREVER to fall asleep. She kept climbing all over me, and trying to nurse in the most uncomfortable positions. She is so cooky sometimes. I love when she is like that though, reminds me so much of her dad. He does the same thing. When we first got here, he would play and play and play with her, even when it was bedtime and we would stay up a couple of hours later than we had planned. It drove me crazy at the time, but now I can't wait for him to play with her like that again.

Did I ever mention, that I have the BEST family, EVER?? Because if I didn't, I do. My sisters are the most amazing people ever. And don't even get me started on my best friend. Besides Zach and Rea, they are the most important people in my life. I told my sister that we had bills to pay, and I was worried about having enough money to drive all the way back to Alaska. So, she rounded up my other sister and Ariana, and they had a chili feed at our local post office. They organized it in just a couple of hours, and I am sure that it was amazing, because anything that my sisters cook is awesome. They also plan on having a bake sale next weekend I believe. See, my sisters and Ariana are the BEST. I also have to give props to my hometown. They always come together in a time of need. I know I complain about it a lot, but a lot of good people live there and I wouldn't change the way I grew up for anything. I am so excited to be back for a while. Even though I decided on living in Anchorage, Kotzebue will always be home. I better hit the sack before I find myself Pigaaqing all night. In Inupiaq, that means staying up...

Dear Deployment,
Today I woke up happy, with a happy little baby, and you can't ruin that. I didn't get to talk to my husband because of you, but I always remember that no news is good news, therefore I do not worry about Zach. Today is another win for me, and you fall more and more behind me. I chose not to count days until I see him again, and that is gonna make you go by even faster. I just hope your shorter rather than longer than planned (hey, a girl can hope right?!) Goodnight deployment, I still hate you. (= Love, Elsa...

Day 4

Today started out sucky. I woke up to some dramatic text messages from a person who had no business saying anything at all to me. I woke up feeling like crap, and being angry at everything that had been going on. I kept wondering to myself, "when is all of this bull shit gonna end?" I have been really feeling the pressure from some people these last couple of days, and today I was at my end. I was ready to ruin relationships for LIFE, and then I thought about how much stress that I already have and how much stress Zach already has, and I decided to not worry about anything anymore. I decided that I was gonna ignore all the rude remarks and ignore all of the negitivity. I don't need any of that. I don't need drama. I need to concentrate on getting ready to head back up to Alaska, and I need to be happy that my family and friends are so supportive of everything I do. I found a lady on Facebook, who had moving boxes for free, so I picked some up today. I didn't have any tape though, so I haven't really started packing yet. Rea though, found them VERY entertaining. She crawled all over them and was so excited about it. I swear next Christmas I am gonna get her a bunch of empty boxes. While she was entertained, I put up our couch, rug, her dresser thing, and my washer and dryer for sale. Hopefully they all sell before I leave, because basically, what I can't fit in the car, I am not taking. I was so excited when my doorbell rang and I opened it to find the FedEx man with a Tupperware box for me!! I love getting new Tupperware, especially when it's free to me! This afternoon was not very eventful, Rea danced around and watched cartoons while I cleaned house and sat at my computer... We spent most of the evening at my friend Brittany's house, she and my friend Chrissy both have sons who are the same age as Rea, and they love playing together. Sometimes they fight, and sometimes they play really well... Today, they were pretty good I thought. My friend Chrissy's son Cameron, is a typical boy, he gets into EVERYTHING! He is super adorable though, and my friend Brittany's son, Mason, mostly keeps to himself, and is a lot quieter. Rea is kind of in the middle. She has her days where she will play in a corner, quiet all day. Then she has days where she gets into anything and everything. Usually when I am in a bad mood, or don't really feel like getting out of bed. Anyway, I always love when the three of them play together, because it wears Rea out, and she will sleep all night, and even sleep in sometimes. We didn't get home until late and she was REALLY REALLY tired. As soon as I lay down with her, she wiggled around and acted like she wanted to nurse, but before I could even nurse her, she was asleep with her head by my knees and toes in my nose. I forgot to take the trash to the curb, and I am still deciding whether or not to do it tonight, or to just wait until morning when it's light... Who am I kidding? I am not gonna do it tonight, I am terrified of the dark! I have a long day tomorrow, so I am hitting the hay, hopefully. I always say that i'm gonna go to bed, but when I actually lay down, I always get on my stupid phone. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my iPhone, but I am always on it! It's too addicting.

Dear Deployment,
Today started out rough, today I thought I might lose it, and then I had an attitude change, which completely turned it around. With the help of some friends, some super chocolate ice cream, and a red popcicle of course. You don't beat me today. I am going to bed content, even though I didn't get to hear my husband say I love you, I know that we look up at the same sun, the same moon, and the same stars. I know that he thinks about us all the time, and you can't change my mind, so don't even try. Love, Elsa...