I'm over this.

I have been meaning to write for a long time. I have pulled up my dashboard, and opened a new post, thought of a cheesy title, but when I get to the actual writing, I freeze. I don't know how to say how I feel, or explain what is happening. How do you explain how it feels to have been away from your husband 90% of the last two years? How do I write about my anxiousness about moving to Texas and seeing him again? My heart has been heavy since Zach went back to Kuwait. It was a wonderful two weeks with him. I felt whole, I felt safe, I felt like I was where I belong. I guess it's probably the stress of moving soon, quitting my job, having a wedding, and leaving my daughter that has been getting to my emotions. Whatever it is, it's causing me to have more difficult days than good ones. My emotions are spent, and I have no energy to fight, or stick up for myself. I am so busy telling myself that everything is going to be okay when Zach comes home that I might not be making it okay right now. I am still learning how to be an adult and still learning how to go about saying things or doing things. My approach may not be perfect, but I have to say that most of the time, I intend for the reaction to be much different than I get. Some say that I come off as "hard" and like I don't care, but really honestly I do. I may not smile as much as I do when I'm around my husband, shoot I may not smile at all, but my heart is happy. I am happy to be married to the man of my dreams, happy to be the mother of a wonderful brilliant little girl. I am blessed to have a relationship with God. I am blessed with a wonderful family and support system. But that doesn't make deployment easy. It hardly makes it bearable.
Dear Deployment,
I won't even try to lie, right now, you are winning. You are kicking me in the ass and there isn't anything I can do about it but pray and wait. Wait for my heart to be whole, wait for my soul mate to come home. Needless to say, I am so ready for you to be over. I'm ready to fall asleep on the couch next to my husband while we watch movies. I am ready to cook dinner every night for Zach. I am ready to be a family again, not just emotionally, but physically be a family again. I pray that the transition from deployment to being a family again is simple. Because in our hearts we have always been a family of three, but physically it's just been me and Rea most of her life. I just hope she can understand what everything means. Anyway, you suck. Get over. Love elsa.

I'm Blessed.

I consider myself lucky. I may have some really hard days, and I mean hard days. I may have times where I feel like the world is crashing around me and I can't keep moving forward without my husband, my best friend, my biggest supporter, behind me, physically. I may even wonder why things have to happen to me. This week though, my eyes were opened. It started at church, when we were learning how to have a right Christmas, instead of a white Christmas. I started to realize, I'm lucky, lucky to have faith, a healthy wonderful husband, who treats me like a queen, a healthy daughter, and plenty of family and friends who support me through everything. I'm lucky to have a roof over my head and food on the table for myself and my daughter. I'm lucky enough to be able to see my husband for Christmas again this year, and maybe he misses all of the other holidays, but at least we are a family for one of them. Some people are much more unlucky than I am. Some people are raped and end up pregnant, but can't seem to have an abortion, and then have to raise a baby alone, with no one to help them, physically or emotionally. Some people don't have homes, some people can't get jobs. People die every day, and I have the chance to live. The chance to be young and happy and healthy. Then I saw a blog, with pictures of a recently widowed military wife. (http://ohpenelopephotography.blogspot.com/2011/12/heaven-was-needing-hero.html%20I) I cried my eyes out, thinking about the possiblity of losing Zach, the possibilty of never hearing his voice, or feeling his warmth, or even smelling his nasty fart! I'm blessed to get the comfort of his voice on a mostly daily basis, or even just a message, saying I love you. He's not in immediate danger, yes there's a chance something could happen, but the area he is in isn't nearly as dangerous as other places. There are people who haven't heard from their loved ones in days, weeks, or even months. Sometimes we go for a few days without talking, and it drives me crazy. We as a couple are lucky enough to understand that even though we are very far apart, we are as close as we have ever been. We have an understanding of each other and I know in my heart that he would never do anything to break my heart, and he knows that I wouldn't do it to him either. We see people all the time, who think they love each other, but break up every few days, or weeks, and fall into a pattern, that isn't healthy. I'm lucky enough to be confident in the fact that we mutually want to stay married, until death do us part Each night before I go to sleep, I pray for the saftey and security of the troops, those I know, those I don't know, I pray for the families who have lost loved ones, recently, and in the past. I pray that the human race comes to an understanding of each other, so that we don't have to have war so often and last of all, I thank god for all of my blessings, I thank him for the day, my husband, our daughter, my families, and many other things that I have been blessed with. I'm slowly learning how to be humble about my husband being gone, and humble about my blessings. I was put on this earth for a purpose, and maybe I don't know exactly what that purpose is today, right now, but I know that I wasn't born to do nothing.

Holidays

If you know me, you know I am ALL about tradition. I am ALL about baking 1,200 cookies for families other than my own. I don't mind that my sisters and I fight if we are together for too long. I love being around my family during the holidays. Last year we were lucky enough for Zach to come home during Christmas and New Years. This year, we may also get that lucky. Tomorrow he should find out the dates that he gets to come home for leave. This deployment has really been getting to me this week. I cry, everytime I am alone. I think that since I haven't really had the time to be upset about the fact that he will be gone until July, I haven't had the chance cry it out. You know, when something bad happens, you cry, even if it's just for a minute. It has always helped me. Maybe I cry more often that other people, and maybe I can be over dramatic about situations, but I always feel better after crying. So, if you think you can't move forward, and your life is in a rut, and you think you've reached the bottom, sometimes it's okay to cry. It's okay to let it go and not worry about what other people think. I have busted out crying in public, and I don't care. Other people can say what they have to say, and pretend that they don't want, deep down in their souls, to do the same thing. I have never been someone who CARES about what other people think about me. I am perfectly comfortable being a 21 year old mother to Rea, who is amazing, she is happy and understands that she makes me happy. Even though she is only 19 months old, she is so smart. I am comfortable being the wife of a soldier, who I have seen for a total of about 15 weeks since we got married, on July 28, 2010. I understand that freedom isn't free. I understand that my husband is fighting a war, that I don't even believe in, becuase someone has to. Someone has to be there, women all over the country are 'single' parents, and raising their kids becuase their husband is gone for the 10th deployment. I have been strong, a lot more strong than I thought I was. I have also had bad days though, which is also fine.

Dear Deployment,
Maybe you are longer rather than shorter, maybe instead of being 6 months, you are 12. Maybe I have bad days, where I hate the life we chose as a family, but I would never give it up in a million years, becuase I have a family, a husband, who loves me for everything I am, right or wrong. He keeps me sane, he still gives me butterflies, and the simple sound of his voice warms my heart. I have a one year old daughter, who is the best little girl I have ever met, she's overdramatic. She makes the funniest faces and can make the ugliest nastiest man or womans heart melt.I couldn't ask for a better family. Love, Elsa...

frustration nation

For a while, I thought my husband was coming home early. I did something that I shouldn't have, I got excited and started living on hope. Recently, he had said they weren't 100% sure he was coming home next month, but they were PRETTY sure, and at first, I forced myself not to be excited. I talked myself into expecting the worst. I actually was doing a really good job at not being excited. Then Zach kept talking about it, and kept bringing it up, and kept talking about how he would be back in a few weeks. Then I got excited. I started to think about how amazing it would be when he came home, and started planning all of the things we would do, and everytime Rea did something cute, I would think "only a couple more months and your daddy can see you do that" we started to practice saying "I love DADDY!" and I let myself go. I got ahead of myself, knowing that I would probably be let down anyway. About a week ago, I asked Zach how sure exactly he was about coming home, and he said "Babe, I can't say, I have no idea" WHAM, reality. Then yesterday, I asked again, and he said probably not December... maybe January, or February, or March. My heart slightly broke, I was living on hope and I shouldn't have been.

Dear Deployment,
I would greatly appreciate an answer.. at least ONE, I would like to know, when he is coming home, whether it's next month, or next July. I would just like to KNOW, so that my emotions aren't all over the place all the time. I can't handle being thrown back and fourth between being excited and my heart breaking. I need to be able to plan when I am supposed to go back to Texas, and I can't, becuase I have NO idea when my husband will be home, and that sucks. I hate you, and I really mean hate. Love, Elsa...

:)

So, I know I haven't been writing very often. But hey, I work full time, and I go to Zumba on Tuesdays Thursdays and Saturdays and I play basketball on Mondays Wednesdays, and sometimes Fridays. So, the time that I'm not doing one of these things, I am busy, cuddling with my daughter, or chatting with my husband, or SLEEPING.

My job is pretty interesting, I deal with a lot of stressful situations, and sometimes I want to pop the heads off some of my clients, but I do feel like I am doing the right thing, by trying to help them instead of just handing out money, like it's free. In the last week, I have gotten a start on Halloween decorating. Which is a lot of fun, I completely covered one wall in our office, and painted a huge tree and a "door leading to nowhere" I also painted a crime scene, and I will soon do a taped outline of my body laying on the floor.

As for working out, I bet Zach that I could lose ten pounds before November 10th. I have been really practicing my healthy eating and drinking a lot more water than I had before, and last week, I lost three pounds! So, I feel like i'm doing pretty well with that. Zumba is still awesome, we started a couple new routines, which are a little more difficult than the previous one, but still a lot of fun. I was really sore last week after learning the new routines. We had a Domestic Violence Awareness Teen Dance this past weekend, and I led a huge group of people in a couple of Zumba routines. I had forgotten how exhilerating it was to lead people in dance routines. It was really a really awesome feeling, especially when everyone clapped when we were done!

Rea is wonderful, I am still alaways so amazed at how quickly she is growing, and learning. She is almost potty trained, learning new words everyday and recently learned how to open doors! She's my rock, if it weren't for her, I would go crazy missing Zach. It doesn't make it easier for me either though, becuase she is so much like him in so many ways that sometimes I just cry when I watch her, becuase I miss him so much!

Dear Deployment,
I have heard many many stories about how you may end sooner rather than later, and I for that reason, I am very excited. But not too excited, since I know you are so unpredictable and I won't know for sure, until my husband's combat boots are offically and safely on solid american ground. Until then, I will pretend that you will end when you end, and not think about how soon it may be and think about how long you may end up. Love, Elsa....

Emotions

Lately, my emotions have been everywhere, I am happy, then sad, then mad, then happy again. Like a 9 month pregnant woman. It's driving me NUTS!! I don't know if it's the fact that I haven't seen Zach in a really long time, or that Rea is at the "testing" age. She is a HUGE handfull, it's crazy how smart and sneaky she is. She still doesn't talk a lot, but I know it's becuase she doesn't want to. When she feels like talking, she knows more words than I even realized I taught her. Which also means I have to stop swearing ALL TOGETHER!! I don't want her to be the baby who drops her basketball and says "shit" It's funny and cute, when it's not my own kid! Even though she's crazy and loud and cries for nothing, she is the light of my life right now. I have been having a hard time the last few days and she is so happy. She knows exactly how to cheer me up. We have been practicing our "I love you"s and if I say I she repeats it and when I say love, she says "youuuuuuuuu" with so much enthusiasm. Now that she says that, we started practicing saying daddy instead of you, and she still says you, but now she says "dad" at the end of it. Hopefully she wont be too shy to catch on camera so he can see it himself. I know she knows that something is up with my emotions too, because yesterday she was really clingy to Clara and she was cranky. I don't know why she was cranky, because her ear infection medicine ended today, so she should be better. Maybe she is getting a couple more teeth.

On a positive note, I found a venue for our wedding! I'm not gonna tell where, however, I do know that I am super excited about planning it!! Now that we have a real venue and real stuff happening, I feel better about it actually happening, I was worried before that we would have to cancel it for some reason or another. I am very excited to wedding dress shop, and pick out bridesmaid outfits and do everything that most other eager brides get to do. I was very happy the day that Zach and I were married, and I would be happy just being married and not spending all of this money on a wedding, but I was the little girl that dreamed of her wedding since she could remember. I used to make Ariana be the "husband" so we could get married. We used to play sims and I would make them all get married. All of our dolls and barbies and stuffed animals were also married. I was the girl that wanted the HUGE ballgown and sit down dinner and wooden dance floor! I wanted flashing lights and a spotlight. I wanted it all, now however, I want something more simple and fun! (and less expensive)

Dear Deployment,
I have been feeling quite down because of you, and I hope that I get better at being emotional. I hope that I can learn how to control my emotions. I hope that eventually I can be a strong enough person to be away from my husband for long periods of time with multiple kids as well as being away from my family. Eventually, maybe.... right now?? no way!! Love, Elsa...

I have the best husband.

Yesterday, I had to take Rea to the hospital. I made an appointment for her, because I had a feeling she had an ear infection, or something. And of course she did, it wasn't a bad one however, because we caught it nice and early. She is nice and cranky though, and bossy. She is still monsterous and getting into everything, now though, she cries a lot more and when she wants her mom, she has to have her mom. As I was driving home from the hospital, we passed my mom, who was walking, and she said that I had a package from Zach! I was so excited. I dropped off Saima, Rea, and Clara  at my house and went straight to my moms to pick it up. I was so happy to see his handwriting, and know that the things inside this package were carefully put in by his loving hands. I ripped open the package, and I knew what was inside, but it was still like Christmas! He sent Rea 2,400 Disney movies, and sent me True Blood and Glee! After picking up Ariana from work, we looked at the Disney movie list and babbled about how excited we were to start True Blood. Can I just say, that I have the most amazing husband ever?

Dear Deployment,
Zach sent me more care packages than I sent him. He is amazing, I will never stop loving him and supporting him. Love, Elsa..