Emotions

Lately, my emotions have been everywhere, I am happy, then sad, then mad, then happy again. Like a 9 month pregnant woman. It's driving me NUTS!! I don't know if it's the fact that I haven't seen Zach in a really long time, or that Rea is at the "testing" age. She is a HUGE handfull, it's crazy how smart and sneaky she is. She still doesn't talk a lot, but I know it's becuase she doesn't want to. When she feels like talking, she knows more words than I even realized I taught her. Which also means I have to stop swearing ALL TOGETHER!! I don't want her to be the baby who drops her basketball and says "shit" It's funny and cute, when it's not my own kid! Even though she's crazy and loud and cries for nothing, she is the light of my life right now. I have been having a hard time the last few days and she is so happy. She knows exactly how to cheer me up. We have been practicing our "I love you"s and if I say I she repeats it and when I say love, she says "youuuuuuuuu" with so much enthusiasm. Now that she says that, we started practicing saying daddy instead of you, and she still says you, but now she says "dad" at the end of it. Hopefully she wont be too shy to catch on camera so he can see it himself. I know she knows that something is up with my emotions too, because yesterday she was really clingy to Clara and she was cranky. I don't know why she was cranky, because her ear infection medicine ended today, so she should be better. Maybe she is getting a couple more teeth.

On a positive note, I found a venue for our wedding! I'm not gonna tell where, however, I do know that I am super excited about planning it!! Now that we have a real venue and real stuff happening, I feel better about it actually happening, I was worried before that we would have to cancel it for some reason or another. I am very excited to wedding dress shop, and pick out bridesmaid outfits and do everything that most other eager brides get to do. I was very happy the day that Zach and I were married, and I would be happy just being married and not spending all of this money on a wedding, but I was the little girl that dreamed of her wedding since she could remember. I used to make Ariana be the "husband" so we could get married. We used to play sims and I would make them all get married. All of our dolls and barbies and stuffed animals were also married. I was the girl that wanted the HUGE ballgown and sit down dinner and wooden dance floor! I wanted flashing lights and a spotlight. I wanted it all, now however, I want something more simple and fun! (and less expensive)

Dear Deployment,
I have been feeling quite down because of you, and I hope that I get better at being emotional. I hope that I can learn how to control my emotions. I hope that eventually I can be a strong enough person to be away from my husband for long periods of time with multiple kids as well as being away from my family. Eventually, maybe.... right now?? no way!! Love, Elsa...

I have the best husband.

Yesterday, I had to take Rea to the hospital. I made an appointment for her, because I had a feeling she had an ear infection, or something. And of course she did, it wasn't a bad one however, because we caught it nice and early. She is nice and cranky though, and bossy. She is still monsterous and getting into everything, now though, she cries a lot more and when she wants her mom, she has to have her mom. As I was driving home from the hospital, we passed my mom, who was walking, and she said that I had a package from Zach! I was so excited. I dropped off Saima, Rea, and Clara  at my house and went straight to my moms to pick it up. I was so happy to see his handwriting, and know that the things inside this package were carefully put in by his loving hands. I ripped open the package, and I knew what was inside, but it was still like Christmas! He sent Rea 2,400 Disney movies, and sent me True Blood and Glee! After picking up Ariana from work, we looked at the Disney movie list and babbled about how excited we were to start True Blood. Can I just say, that I have the most amazing husband ever?

Dear Deployment,
Zach sent me more care packages than I sent him. He is amazing, I will never stop loving him and supporting him. Love, Elsa..

We chose this life, as a family.

Zach and I were living at my mom's house, he was working at Frontier, and I was working at Maniilaq. Neither of us had jobs that could turn into careers, nor did we have saved money to move, or change jobs, or pay a babysitter etc. Basically we were working two dead end jobs, and not really going places with our lives. We didn't really know what our next step was gonna be and Zach had talked about military when I was pregnant. We couldn't afford to just move and get jobs somewhere else, because we really didn't have money saved up from working. Especially since Rea was newborn at the time. The first time Zach brought up the military, I said "hell no." I wasn't emotionally ready for him to be in the military. We, as a family weren't ready for something so life changing. After a couple more months of living with my mom and working paycheck to paycheck, we were both pretty tired of it. He and I talked and cried and talked and laughed for hours, trying to decide what our next move would be. He told me that he wanted to support his family and he doesn't want to have to live paycheck to paycheck at my moms house. After much discussion, he asked again if he could join the military. He knew going into the situation that he would be away from us, and I  knew that I would be taking care of Rea mostly alone for a while. I came to terms with the idea because I wanted Zach to be happy about what he was doing. I wanted him to be comfortable knowing that he is supporting his family and his country. That was the moment, when we knew that he would be in the military, and we would live the military lifestyle. I think that the reality of it didn't hit until he told me that he would be gone for 26 weeks. Also, when I quit my job, and we spent a month in Fort Yukon with his family. I remember being so scared when Zach was getting ready to leave for basic training. The whole weekend before he left was full of hugs and kisses. He had a list of things he needed and things that he was allowed to bring. He needed to bring all of his legal documents, like our marriage license, birth certificates, and social security cards. He was placing everything into a clear sleeve. He thought that he couldn't find our marriage license and since I was the one who had put it away, he blamed it on me. We argued and I even cried because I thought that I had lost our marriage certificate. After hours of looking for it, Zach went into the bathroom, where he claims that he does his best thinking. Well he must, because he realized that our marriage license was in fact already in the sleeve and since he hadn't looked close enough, he thought that it was his birth certificate, which was lost. I remember him coming into the bedroom, where I was nursing Rea, and he said "Babe, please don't be mad. I am REALLY REALLY sorry" and he had a shit eating grin on his face. I replied with "what did you do" and he walked over to his sleeve, pulled out our marriage certificate and said "I found it" I have to say, that in that moment, I was mad, but I smiled and giggled. I had to understand the sheer amount of stress the two of us were under over those two days. He left on flight 151, which leaves at about 8 am. I wanted to drop him off and be with him until the very last second, but that wasn't possible because we had left our six month old daughter sleeping upstairs in our room. My mom was home, but I had to drop him off. We did a quick painless goodbye and I drove off. As soon as I left the airport and stopped at the first stop sign, I busted into tears. I cried all the way home and as I walked upstairs to my peacefully sleeping daughter. I cried in silence for at least 10 minutes, not knowing what to do next. I fell back asleep and in the morning my sister came over to hang out with us. I have always had a strong support system. I am so happy that I have the family and friends that I do. They always help out in any way possible. Since Zach has joined the army, I have been the main caregiver for our daughter, and I have to deal with all of the bills and anything like that. I believe that I am a whole different woman, I know how to handle situations better, without freaking out right away. I can do a lot of things that I never thought I could, not only physically but emotionally. My daughter is also very strong hearted and is growing to have an amazing personality. She is my rock, and Zach's rock. She is the reason we are so strong today. She also isn't feeling good, she has a runny nose and is starting to couch, which means I should go tend to her.

Dear deployment,
This is our story, written by me. We chose to be in the military, we knew coming into this that a deployment was possible, but neither of us thought it would be this soon. We learn as we go though. We have a deep and strong love for each other and our daughter that can't be broken. And because of you deployment, I am as emotionally strong as I have ever been. Love, Elsa...

The world will never forget

Ten years ago the twin towers fell. Ten years ago, thousands of innocent people lost their lives. Ten years ago, lives were ruined and hearts were broken. Ten years ago, heros walked into a falling building, knowing that they wouldn't come out.

The morning of September 11, 2001, I got up for school promptly at 7:14 am, as I did every morning. Of course however, I lay in bed until at least 7:30 am and ended up rushing to get dressed and out the door. Since we are on Alaska time, the towers hit before I woke, and I didn't watch the news, but I knew that something was wrong when I got to school. The mood was different, people were lugging around, and the teachers looked nervous. Soon after we got to our first class, our teacher said that instead of doing math this morning, we were going to join the other kids in the science room. I don't think any of us knew what was going on yet. We crammed into the classroom next door, and the teacher brought in a huge TV. Really, it wasn't that huge, but I remember thinking "wow, what a big TV" They turned it on and we saw what was happening. At first, I thought "who cares, it's not that big of a deal, planes crash all the time" but then I realized what was really going on. I realized that this was an attack, and not an accident. I realized that the amount of people who died was much greater than just two planes full. I quickly prayed and then without even realizing it, I was crying. I was quietly crying, crying for all of the poor kids who lost their parents, parents who lost their kids. I cried because I couldn't imagine even knowing someone who lost their life in the horrible event. I am and always have been sensitive to other peoples' feelings, so watching something like that really got to me. For months I prayed and thought about the families of those who died. Still to this day, I think about how horrible it was.

I have said and will say over and over and over again that I love my husband, and I am SO PROUD of him. Especially on a day like today, where so many people gave their lives to try and save others. He is in Iraq today because of the attacks on the twin towers and pentagon. I love him for how brave and selfless he is. I know that he could be doing much worst things and there are many other ways that he could be helping, but in order for things to work properly, every person needs to do their part, and he is doing his part for sure. Here's to the many troops and the families who also serve behind them.

Dear Deployment,
Today is the day that caused Zach's deployment, today I am proud to be married to him. He makes me so happy and I love him more than I ever imagined I could love someone. I didn't know what love was before I met him. Now I truly know what it feels like to be in love, and I will wait for him, forever if I have to. Love, Elsa...

happy days

Today is a good day. I found out that I have a job interview on Friday morning at nine. I also found a new winter jacket! I am very excited about the job interview, if it goes well, I may even get to start working as soon as next week, which makes me happy.

Hopefully once I start working, we can pay off all of our bills, and then I can start saving for our WEDDING ceremony!! I decided that we will be having a very small and personal vow renewal in Anchorage. Then our reception will be bigger with all of our friends and family. This way, we will be saving money, but we will still get to have the wedding we always wanted. I am very excited to start planning and I am especially excited to pick out a dress! I have to say, that I was that little girl that would dream about her wedding and say that I am gonna wear this and we are gonna do this and there will be these people there. I married Zachary because I am madly and deeply in love with him, however, since he was joining the army, we got married sooner and without much planning. My parents and family and a few close friends came to the court house in Kotzebue for the wedding. I could not have been a happier blushing bride in my blue jeans and mukluks. That, however, didn't end my dream about having a real wedding. At first I wanted a huge giant grand wedding where there were hundreds of people and a huge dress and lights and all kinds of crazy things. I went back and fourth between all kinds of different ideas, but what really stuck with me was my grandmother's backyard. It isn't very large, however it's romantic and beautiful! After realizing that a wedding isn't about all of the people and glitz and presents, I decided that having a small family wedding would be perfect for us. I do however want to have a nice big reception with pretty flowers and a huge cake! There are some things a girl can't give up right? Even though I would be perfectly happy not having a wedding ceremony, I am very very excited for this. Zach will have just come home from his deployment, which I think will make it extra special, since he will have not seen a lot of his family in almost two years! Enough about the wedding that will happen next year.

Rea has been talking, a LOT more than before. She is saying words I didn't even think I taught her! She is so smart, it drives me crazy sometimes, but I love her all the same! Her dad would be so proud, I try to video as much as she will let me, but she gets shy in front of the camera. She also is picky about what she says in front of who. The other day we were visiting Maija, and she wouldn't say "buck buck buck" and flap her wings like a chicken, which she does ALL the time running around our house! She had also done it in front of Dean and everyone else, but she would NOT do it for Maija! Yesterday, I gave her a little bowl of cheese its while she was watching TV. I was browsing the internet and just hanging out, before I knew it she was sleeping!! With a cheese it in one hand and the other hand in her bowl! It was the cutest thing, I love moments like that. I just wish her daddy was here to see it!

Dear Deployment,
Because of you, Zach can't see our daughter grow right in front of his eyes. He has to rely on the internet and phone to keep up with her. Something happens everyday, shoot, something happens every hour that I would have wanted him to see. Even though he isn't here physically, he is always there for me emotionally. I am so lucky to have a man like him in my life, not very many people get so lucky. You can't ruin the relationship between us, and we will always back each other up. Love, Elsa..

Happy Birthday Baby Jamsey!

Thursday was Rea's best friend James' birthday! He turned one, he's much smaller than Rea, however, they get along great! They share EVERYTHING, toothbrushes, bottles, sippy cups, you name it, they share it. Today we had his "birthday party" and it wasn't much of a party, but he's only one and he had a wonderful time eating spaghetti and then chowing down on a cupcake. Rea also enjoyed making a mess of herself. Soon after Rea smashed her cupcake into her chest, she threw a fit because she was so dirty. I rinsed her off in the sink and then took her up to the tub. Tanya wasn't too far behind me with Jamsey. They splashed and laughed and splashed and laughed. It was one of the cutest things EVER! Tanya and I laughed the entire time they were playing. This was Rea's first bath with a BOY! I don't believe it's her last either. Now, she's out on the tundra picking tea. Her auntie Tyne wanted to take her, she along with Ariana, Susan, and Mary Sue. I am eating granola with yogurt and enjoying the empty (besides dogs) house.

I haven't heard back about the job I applied for yet, which makes me nervous. I really would love to work back at TANF. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a program through Maniilaq that provides money for families who have children and cannot financially support them. It's not only a program that gives money out, it helps those families get back onto their own two feet. I will be very disappointed if someone who gets the job, doesn't really CARE about the well being of the people and just wants to hand out money. There have been people who didn't care, and just handed out money, which wasn't only partially illegal, but it was immoral. I am the kind of person who gets sick to my stomach seeing people who don't know how to apply for a job, or can't provide for their family because they don't have someone to push them in the right direction. I just want to help.

Today is also my brother in law Dean's birthday! I won't mention how old he is, but I can say that he's the best brother I could ever ask for! Rea simply adores him, and I swear they have their own little language or understanding of each other. I love how he melts around her, and she gets so excited when she sees him. Also, Zach loves him. I swear if he could choose between seeing Dean and seeing me, he might really consider seeing Dean instead! So thank you Dean, for being an awesome brother in law, and for making my biggest sister happier than I have ever seen her! We love you

Dear Deployment,
As for you, I don't thank you and I don't like you. I do however know that because of you, my husband and I have a better marriage, and I know that when he comes back, we will be stronger than ever. Once we get through this, we will be able to get through anything. Love, Elsa...