Holidays

If you know me, you know I am ALL about tradition. I am ALL about baking 1,200 cookies for families other than my own. I don't mind that my sisters and I fight if we are together for too long. I love being around my family during the holidays. Last year we were lucky enough for Zach to come home during Christmas and New Years. This year, we may also get that lucky. Tomorrow he should find out the dates that he gets to come home for leave. This deployment has really been getting to me this week. I cry, everytime I am alone. I think that since I haven't really had the time to be upset about the fact that he will be gone until July, I haven't had the chance cry it out. You know, when something bad happens, you cry, even if it's just for a minute. It has always helped me. Maybe I cry more often that other people, and maybe I can be over dramatic about situations, but I always feel better after crying. So, if you think you can't move forward, and your life is in a rut, and you think you've reached the bottom, sometimes it's okay to cry. It's okay to let it go and not worry about what other people think. I have busted out crying in public, and I don't care. Other people can say what they have to say, and pretend that they don't want, deep down in their souls, to do the same thing. I have never been someone who CARES about what other people think about me. I am perfectly comfortable being a 21 year old mother to Rea, who is amazing, she is happy and understands that she makes me happy. Even though she is only 19 months old, she is so smart. I am comfortable being the wife of a soldier, who I have seen for a total of about 15 weeks since we got married, on July 28, 2010. I understand that freedom isn't free. I understand that my husband is fighting a war, that I don't even believe in, becuase someone has to. Someone has to be there, women all over the country are 'single' parents, and raising their kids becuase their husband is gone for the 10th deployment. I have been strong, a lot more strong than I thought I was. I have also had bad days though, which is also fine.

Dear Deployment,
Maybe you are longer rather than shorter, maybe instead of being 6 months, you are 12. Maybe I have bad days, where I hate the life we chose as a family, but I would never give it up in a million years, becuase I have a family, a husband, who loves me for everything I am, right or wrong. He keeps me sane, he still gives me butterflies, and the simple sound of his voice warms my heart. I have a one year old daughter, who is the best little girl I have ever met, she's overdramatic. She makes the funniest faces and can make the ugliest nastiest man or womans heart melt.I couldn't ask for a better family. Love, Elsa...

frustration nation

For a while, I thought my husband was coming home early. I did something that I shouldn't have, I got excited and started living on hope. Recently, he had said they weren't 100% sure he was coming home next month, but they were PRETTY sure, and at first, I forced myself not to be excited. I talked myself into expecting the worst. I actually was doing a really good job at not being excited. Then Zach kept talking about it, and kept bringing it up, and kept talking about how he would be back in a few weeks. Then I got excited. I started to think about how amazing it would be when he came home, and started planning all of the things we would do, and everytime Rea did something cute, I would think "only a couple more months and your daddy can see you do that" we started to practice saying "I love DADDY!" and I let myself go. I got ahead of myself, knowing that I would probably be let down anyway. About a week ago, I asked Zach how sure exactly he was about coming home, and he said "Babe, I can't say, I have no idea" WHAM, reality. Then yesterday, I asked again, and he said probably not December... maybe January, or February, or March. My heart slightly broke, I was living on hope and I shouldn't have been.

Dear Deployment,
I would greatly appreciate an answer.. at least ONE, I would like to know, when he is coming home, whether it's next month, or next July. I would just like to KNOW, so that my emotions aren't all over the place all the time. I can't handle being thrown back and fourth between being excited and my heart breaking. I need to be able to plan when I am supposed to go back to Texas, and I can't, becuase I have NO idea when my husband will be home, and that sucks. I hate you, and I really mean hate. Love, Elsa...