I have been meaning to write for a long time. I have pulled up my dashboard, and opened a new post, thought of a cheesy title, but when I get to the actual writing, I freeze. I don't know how to say how I feel, or explain what is happening. How do you explain how it feels to have been away from your husband 90% of the last two years? How do I write about my anxiousness about moving to Texas and seeing him again? My heart has been heavy since Zach went back to Kuwait. It was a wonderful two weeks with him. I felt whole, I felt safe, I felt like I was where I belong. I guess it's probably the stress of moving soon, quitting my job, having a wedding, and leaving my daughter that has been getting to my emotions. Whatever it is, it's causing me to have more difficult days than good ones. My emotions are spent, and I have no energy to fight, or stick up for myself. I am so busy telling myself that everything is going to be okay when Zach comes home that I might not be making it okay right now. I am still learning how to be an adult and still learning how to go about saying things or doing things. My approach may not be perfect, but I have to say that most of the time, I intend for the reaction to be much different than I get. Some say that I come off as "hard" and like I don't care, but really honestly I do. I may not smile as much as I do when I'm around my husband, shoot I may not smile at all, but my heart is happy. I am happy to be married to the man of my dreams, happy to be the mother of a wonderful brilliant little girl. I am blessed to have a relationship with God. I am blessed with a wonderful family and support system. But that doesn't make deployment easy. It hardly makes it bearable.
Dear Deployment,
I won't even try to lie, right now, you are winning. You are kicking me in the ass and there isn't anything I can do about it but pray and wait. Wait for my heart to be whole, wait for my soul mate to come home. Needless to say, I am so ready for you to be over. I'm ready to fall asleep on the couch next to my husband while we watch movies. I am ready to cook dinner every night for Zach. I am ready to be a family again, not just emotionally, but physically be a family again. I pray that the transition from deployment to being a family again is simple. Because in our hearts we have always been a family of three, but physically it's just been me and Rea most of her life. I just hope she can understand what everything means. Anyway, you suck. Get over. Love elsa.
