I'm over this.

I have been meaning to write for a long time. I have pulled up my dashboard, and opened a new post, thought of a cheesy title, but when I get to the actual writing, I freeze. I don't know how to say how I feel, or explain what is happening. How do you explain how it feels to have been away from your husband 90% of the last two years? How do I write about my anxiousness about moving to Texas and seeing him again? My heart has been heavy since Zach went back to Kuwait. It was a wonderful two weeks with him. I felt whole, I felt safe, I felt like I was where I belong. I guess it's probably the stress of moving soon, quitting my job, having a wedding, and leaving my daughter that has been getting to my emotions. Whatever it is, it's causing me to have more difficult days than good ones. My emotions are spent, and I have no energy to fight, or stick up for myself. I am so busy telling myself that everything is going to be okay when Zach comes home that I might not be making it okay right now. I am still learning how to be an adult and still learning how to go about saying things or doing things. My approach may not be perfect, but I have to say that most of the time, I intend for the reaction to be much different than I get. Some say that I come off as "hard" and like I don't care, but really honestly I do. I may not smile as much as I do when I'm around my husband, shoot I may not smile at all, but my heart is happy. I am happy to be married to the man of my dreams, happy to be the mother of a wonderful brilliant little girl. I am blessed to have a relationship with God. I am blessed with a wonderful family and support system. But that doesn't make deployment easy. It hardly makes it bearable.
Dear Deployment,
I won't even try to lie, right now, you are winning. You are kicking me in the ass and there isn't anything I can do about it but pray and wait. Wait for my heart to be whole, wait for my soul mate to come home. Needless to say, I am so ready for you to be over. I'm ready to fall asleep on the couch next to my husband while we watch movies. I am ready to cook dinner every night for Zach. I am ready to be a family again, not just emotionally, but physically be a family again. I pray that the transition from deployment to being a family again is simple. Because in our hearts we have always been a family of three, but physically it's just been me and Rea most of her life. I just hope she can understand what everything means. Anyway, you suck. Get over. Love elsa.

I'm Blessed.

I consider myself lucky. I may have some really hard days, and I mean hard days. I may have times where I feel like the world is crashing around me and I can't keep moving forward without my husband, my best friend, my biggest supporter, behind me, physically. I may even wonder why things have to happen to me. This week though, my eyes were opened. It started at church, when we were learning how to have a right Christmas, instead of a white Christmas. I started to realize, I'm lucky, lucky to have faith, a healthy wonderful husband, who treats me like a queen, a healthy daughter, and plenty of family and friends who support me through everything. I'm lucky to have a roof over my head and food on the table for myself and my daughter. I'm lucky enough to be able to see my husband for Christmas again this year, and maybe he misses all of the other holidays, but at least we are a family for one of them. Some people are much more unlucky than I am. Some people are raped and end up pregnant, but can't seem to have an abortion, and then have to raise a baby alone, with no one to help them, physically or emotionally. Some people don't have homes, some people can't get jobs. People die every day, and I have the chance to live. The chance to be young and happy and healthy. Then I saw a blog, with pictures of a recently widowed military wife. (http://ohpenelopephotography.blogspot.com/2011/12/heaven-was-needing-hero.html%20I) I cried my eyes out, thinking about the possiblity of losing Zach, the possibilty of never hearing his voice, or feeling his warmth, or even smelling his nasty fart! I'm blessed to get the comfort of his voice on a mostly daily basis, or even just a message, saying I love you. He's not in immediate danger, yes there's a chance something could happen, but the area he is in isn't nearly as dangerous as other places. There are people who haven't heard from their loved ones in days, weeks, or even months. Sometimes we go for a few days without talking, and it drives me crazy. We as a couple are lucky enough to understand that even though we are very far apart, we are as close as we have ever been. We have an understanding of each other and I know in my heart that he would never do anything to break my heart, and he knows that I wouldn't do it to him either. We see people all the time, who think they love each other, but break up every few days, or weeks, and fall into a pattern, that isn't healthy. I'm lucky enough to be confident in the fact that we mutually want to stay married, until death do us part Each night before I go to sleep, I pray for the saftey and security of the troops, those I know, those I don't know, I pray for the families who have lost loved ones, recently, and in the past. I pray that the human race comes to an understanding of each other, so that we don't have to have war so often and last of all, I thank god for all of my blessings, I thank him for the day, my husband, our daughter, my families, and many other things that I have been blessed with. I'm slowly learning how to be humble about my husband being gone, and humble about my blessings. I was put on this earth for a purpose, and maybe I don't know exactly what that purpose is today, right now, but I know that I wasn't born to do nothing.

Holidays

If you know me, you know I am ALL about tradition. I am ALL about baking 1,200 cookies for families other than my own. I don't mind that my sisters and I fight if we are together for too long. I love being around my family during the holidays. Last year we were lucky enough for Zach to come home during Christmas and New Years. This year, we may also get that lucky. Tomorrow he should find out the dates that he gets to come home for leave. This deployment has really been getting to me this week. I cry, everytime I am alone. I think that since I haven't really had the time to be upset about the fact that he will be gone until July, I haven't had the chance cry it out. You know, when something bad happens, you cry, even if it's just for a minute. It has always helped me. Maybe I cry more often that other people, and maybe I can be over dramatic about situations, but I always feel better after crying. So, if you think you can't move forward, and your life is in a rut, and you think you've reached the bottom, sometimes it's okay to cry. It's okay to let it go and not worry about what other people think. I have busted out crying in public, and I don't care. Other people can say what they have to say, and pretend that they don't want, deep down in their souls, to do the same thing. I have never been someone who CARES about what other people think about me. I am perfectly comfortable being a 21 year old mother to Rea, who is amazing, she is happy and understands that she makes me happy. Even though she is only 19 months old, she is so smart. I am comfortable being the wife of a soldier, who I have seen for a total of about 15 weeks since we got married, on July 28, 2010. I understand that freedom isn't free. I understand that my husband is fighting a war, that I don't even believe in, becuase someone has to. Someone has to be there, women all over the country are 'single' parents, and raising their kids becuase their husband is gone for the 10th deployment. I have been strong, a lot more strong than I thought I was. I have also had bad days though, which is also fine.

Dear Deployment,
Maybe you are longer rather than shorter, maybe instead of being 6 months, you are 12. Maybe I have bad days, where I hate the life we chose as a family, but I would never give it up in a million years, becuase I have a family, a husband, who loves me for everything I am, right or wrong. He keeps me sane, he still gives me butterflies, and the simple sound of his voice warms my heart. I have a one year old daughter, who is the best little girl I have ever met, she's overdramatic. She makes the funniest faces and can make the ugliest nastiest man or womans heart melt.I couldn't ask for a better family. Love, Elsa...

frustration nation

For a while, I thought my husband was coming home early. I did something that I shouldn't have, I got excited and started living on hope. Recently, he had said they weren't 100% sure he was coming home next month, but they were PRETTY sure, and at first, I forced myself not to be excited. I talked myself into expecting the worst. I actually was doing a really good job at not being excited. Then Zach kept talking about it, and kept bringing it up, and kept talking about how he would be back in a few weeks. Then I got excited. I started to think about how amazing it would be when he came home, and started planning all of the things we would do, and everytime Rea did something cute, I would think "only a couple more months and your daddy can see you do that" we started to practice saying "I love DADDY!" and I let myself go. I got ahead of myself, knowing that I would probably be let down anyway. About a week ago, I asked Zach how sure exactly he was about coming home, and he said "Babe, I can't say, I have no idea" WHAM, reality. Then yesterday, I asked again, and he said probably not December... maybe January, or February, or March. My heart slightly broke, I was living on hope and I shouldn't have been.

Dear Deployment,
I would greatly appreciate an answer.. at least ONE, I would like to know, when he is coming home, whether it's next month, or next July. I would just like to KNOW, so that my emotions aren't all over the place all the time. I can't handle being thrown back and fourth between being excited and my heart breaking. I need to be able to plan when I am supposed to go back to Texas, and I can't, becuase I have NO idea when my husband will be home, and that sucks. I hate you, and I really mean hate. Love, Elsa...

:)

So, I know I haven't been writing very often. But hey, I work full time, and I go to Zumba on Tuesdays Thursdays and Saturdays and I play basketball on Mondays Wednesdays, and sometimes Fridays. So, the time that I'm not doing one of these things, I am busy, cuddling with my daughter, or chatting with my husband, or SLEEPING.

My job is pretty interesting, I deal with a lot of stressful situations, and sometimes I want to pop the heads off some of my clients, but I do feel like I am doing the right thing, by trying to help them instead of just handing out money, like it's free. In the last week, I have gotten a start on Halloween decorating. Which is a lot of fun, I completely covered one wall in our office, and painted a huge tree and a "door leading to nowhere" I also painted a crime scene, and I will soon do a taped outline of my body laying on the floor.

As for working out, I bet Zach that I could lose ten pounds before November 10th. I have been really practicing my healthy eating and drinking a lot more water than I had before, and last week, I lost three pounds! So, I feel like i'm doing pretty well with that. Zumba is still awesome, we started a couple new routines, which are a little more difficult than the previous one, but still a lot of fun. I was really sore last week after learning the new routines. We had a Domestic Violence Awareness Teen Dance this past weekend, and I led a huge group of people in a couple of Zumba routines. I had forgotten how exhilerating it was to lead people in dance routines. It was really a really awesome feeling, especially when everyone clapped when we were done!

Rea is wonderful, I am still alaways so amazed at how quickly she is growing, and learning. She is almost potty trained, learning new words everyday and recently learned how to open doors! She's my rock, if it weren't for her, I would go crazy missing Zach. It doesn't make it easier for me either though, becuase she is so much like him in so many ways that sometimes I just cry when I watch her, becuase I miss him so much!

Dear Deployment,
I have heard many many stories about how you may end sooner rather than later, and I for that reason, I am very excited. But not too excited, since I know you are so unpredictable and I won't know for sure, until my husband's combat boots are offically and safely on solid american ground. Until then, I will pretend that you will end when you end, and not think about how soon it may be and think about how long you may end up. Love, Elsa....

Emotions

Lately, my emotions have been everywhere, I am happy, then sad, then mad, then happy again. Like a 9 month pregnant woman. It's driving me NUTS!! I don't know if it's the fact that I haven't seen Zach in a really long time, or that Rea is at the "testing" age. She is a HUGE handfull, it's crazy how smart and sneaky she is. She still doesn't talk a lot, but I know it's becuase she doesn't want to. When she feels like talking, she knows more words than I even realized I taught her. Which also means I have to stop swearing ALL TOGETHER!! I don't want her to be the baby who drops her basketball and says "shit" It's funny and cute, when it's not my own kid! Even though she's crazy and loud and cries for nothing, she is the light of my life right now. I have been having a hard time the last few days and she is so happy. She knows exactly how to cheer me up. We have been practicing our "I love you"s and if I say I she repeats it and when I say love, she says "youuuuuuuuu" with so much enthusiasm. Now that she says that, we started practicing saying daddy instead of you, and she still says you, but now she says "dad" at the end of it. Hopefully she wont be too shy to catch on camera so he can see it himself. I know she knows that something is up with my emotions too, because yesterday she was really clingy to Clara and she was cranky. I don't know why she was cranky, because her ear infection medicine ended today, so she should be better. Maybe she is getting a couple more teeth.

On a positive note, I found a venue for our wedding! I'm not gonna tell where, however, I do know that I am super excited about planning it!! Now that we have a real venue and real stuff happening, I feel better about it actually happening, I was worried before that we would have to cancel it for some reason or another. I am very excited to wedding dress shop, and pick out bridesmaid outfits and do everything that most other eager brides get to do. I was very happy the day that Zach and I were married, and I would be happy just being married and not spending all of this money on a wedding, but I was the little girl that dreamed of her wedding since she could remember. I used to make Ariana be the "husband" so we could get married. We used to play sims and I would make them all get married. All of our dolls and barbies and stuffed animals were also married. I was the girl that wanted the HUGE ballgown and sit down dinner and wooden dance floor! I wanted flashing lights and a spotlight. I wanted it all, now however, I want something more simple and fun! (and less expensive)

Dear Deployment,
I have been feeling quite down because of you, and I hope that I get better at being emotional. I hope that I can learn how to control my emotions. I hope that eventually I can be a strong enough person to be away from my husband for long periods of time with multiple kids as well as being away from my family. Eventually, maybe.... right now?? no way!! Love, Elsa...

I have the best husband.

Yesterday, I had to take Rea to the hospital. I made an appointment for her, because I had a feeling she had an ear infection, or something. And of course she did, it wasn't a bad one however, because we caught it nice and early. She is nice and cranky though, and bossy. She is still monsterous and getting into everything, now though, she cries a lot more and when she wants her mom, she has to have her mom. As I was driving home from the hospital, we passed my mom, who was walking, and she said that I had a package from Zach! I was so excited. I dropped off Saima, Rea, and Clara  at my house and went straight to my moms to pick it up. I was so happy to see his handwriting, and know that the things inside this package were carefully put in by his loving hands. I ripped open the package, and I knew what was inside, but it was still like Christmas! He sent Rea 2,400 Disney movies, and sent me True Blood and Glee! After picking up Ariana from work, we looked at the Disney movie list and babbled about how excited we were to start True Blood. Can I just say, that I have the most amazing husband ever?

Dear Deployment,
Zach sent me more care packages than I sent him. He is amazing, I will never stop loving him and supporting him. Love, Elsa..

We chose this life, as a family.

Zach and I were living at my mom's house, he was working at Frontier, and I was working at Maniilaq. Neither of us had jobs that could turn into careers, nor did we have saved money to move, or change jobs, or pay a babysitter etc. Basically we were working two dead end jobs, and not really going places with our lives. We didn't really know what our next step was gonna be and Zach had talked about military when I was pregnant. We couldn't afford to just move and get jobs somewhere else, because we really didn't have money saved up from working. Especially since Rea was newborn at the time. The first time Zach brought up the military, I said "hell no." I wasn't emotionally ready for him to be in the military. We, as a family weren't ready for something so life changing. After a couple more months of living with my mom and working paycheck to paycheck, we were both pretty tired of it. He and I talked and cried and talked and laughed for hours, trying to decide what our next move would be. He told me that he wanted to support his family and he doesn't want to have to live paycheck to paycheck at my moms house. After much discussion, he asked again if he could join the military. He knew going into the situation that he would be away from us, and I  knew that I would be taking care of Rea mostly alone for a while. I came to terms with the idea because I wanted Zach to be happy about what he was doing. I wanted him to be comfortable knowing that he is supporting his family and his country. That was the moment, when we knew that he would be in the military, and we would live the military lifestyle. I think that the reality of it didn't hit until he told me that he would be gone for 26 weeks. Also, when I quit my job, and we spent a month in Fort Yukon with his family. I remember being so scared when Zach was getting ready to leave for basic training. The whole weekend before he left was full of hugs and kisses. He had a list of things he needed and things that he was allowed to bring. He needed to bring all of his legal documents, like our marriage license, birth certificates, and social security cards. He was placing everything into a clear sleeve. He thought that he couldn't find our marriage license and since I was the one who had put it away, he blamed it on me. We argued and I even cried because I thought that I had lost our marriage certificate. After hours of looking for it, Zach went into the bathroom, where he claims that he does his best thinking. Well he must, because he realized that our marriage license was in fact already in the sleeve and since he hadn't looked close enough, he thought that it was his birth certificate, which was lost. I remember him coming into the bedroom, where I was nursing Rea, and he said "Babe, please don't be mad. I am REALLY REALLY sorry" and he had a shit eating grin on his face. I replied with "what did you do" and he walked over to his sleeve, pulled out our marriage certificate and said "I found it" I have to say, that in that moment, I was mad, but I smiled and giggled. I had to understand the sheer amount of stress the two of us were under over those two days. He left on flight 151, which leaves at about 8 am. I wanted to drop him off and be with him until the very last second, but that wasn't possible because we had left our six month old daughter sleeping upstairs in our room. My mom was home, but I had to drop him off. We did a quick painless goodbye and I drove off. As soon as I left the airport and stopped at the first stop sign, I busted into tears. I cried all the way home and as I walked upstairs to my peacefully sleeping daughter. I cried in silence for at least 10 minutes, not knowing what to do next. I fell back asleep and in the morning my sister came over to hang out with us. I have always had a strong support system. I am so happy that I have the family and friends that I do. They always help out in any way possible. Since Zach has joined the army, I have been the main caregiver for our daughter, and I have to deal with all of the bills and anything like that. I believe that I am a whole different woman, I know how to handle situations better, without freaking out right away. I can do a lot of things that I never thought I could, not only physically but emotionally. My daughter is also very strong hearted and is growing to have an amazing personality. She is my rock, and Zach's rock. She is the reason we are so strong today. She also isn't feeling good, she has a runny nose and is starting to couch, which means I should go tend to her.

Dear deployment,
This is our story, written by me. We chose to be in the military, we knew coming into this that a deployment was possible, but neither of us thought it would be this soon. We learn as we go though. We have a deep and strong love for each other and our daughter that can't be broken. And because of you deployment, I am as emotionally strong as I have ever been. Love, Elsa...

The world will never forget

Ten years ago the twin towers fell. Ten years ago, thousands of innocent people lost their lives. Ten years ago, lives were ruined and hearts were broken. Ten years ago, heros walked into a falling building, knowing that they wouldn't come out.

The morning of September 11, 2001, I got up for school promptly at 7:14 am, as I did every morning. Of course however, I lay in bed until at least 7:30 am and ended up rushing to get dressed and out the door. Since we are on Alaska time, the towers hit before I woke, and I didn't watch the news, but I knew that something was wrong when I got to school. The mood was different, people were lugging around, and the teachers looked nervous. Soon after we got to our first class, our teacher said that instead of doing math this morning, we were going to join the other kids in the science room. I don't think any of us knew what was going on yet. We crammed into the classroom next door, and the teacher brought in a huge TV. Really, it wasn't that huge, but I remember thinking "wow, what a big TV" They turned it on and we saw what was happening. At first, I thought "who cares, it's not that big of a deal, planes crash all the time" but then I realized what was really going on. I realized that this was an attack, and not an accident. I realized that the amount of people who died was much greater than just two planes full. I quickly prayed and then without even realizing it, I was crying. I was quietly crying, crying for all of the poor kids who lost their parents, parents who lost their kids. I cried because I couldn't imagine even knowing someone who lost their life in the horrible event. I am and always have been sensitive to other peoples' feelings, so watching something like that really got to me. For months I prayed and thought about the families of those who died. Still to this day, I think about how horrible it was.

I have said and will say over and over and over again that I love my husband, and I am SO PROUD of him. Especially on a day like today, where so many people gave their lives to try and save others. He is in Iraq today because of the attacks on the twin towers and pentagon. I love him for how brave and selfless he is. I know that he could be doing much worst things and there are many other ways that he could be helping, but in order for things to work properly, every person needs to do their part, and he is doing his part for sure. Here's to the many troops and the families who also serve behind them.

Dear Deployment,
Today is the day that caused Zach's deployment, today I am proud to be married to him. He makes me so happy and I love him more than I ever imagined I could love someone. I didn't know what love was before I met him. Now I truly know what it feels like to be in love, and I will wait for him, forever if I have to. Love, Elsa...

happy days

Today is a good day. I found out that I have a job interview on Friday morning at nine. I also found a new winter jacket! I am very excited about the job interview, if it goes well, I may even get to start working as soon as next week, which makes me happy.

Hopefully once I start working, we can pay off all of our bills, and then I can start saving for our WEDDING ceremony!! I decided that we will be having a very small and personal vow renewal in Anchorage. Then our reception will be bigger with all of our friends and family. This way, we will be saving money, but we will still get to have the wedding we always wanted. I am very excited to start planning and I am especially excited to pick out a dress! I have to say, that I was that little girl that would dream about her wedding and say that I am gonna wear this and we are gonna do this and there will be these people there. I married Zachary because I am madly and deeply in love with him, however, since he was joining the army, we got married sooner and without much planning. My parents and family and a few close friends came to the court house in Kotzebue for the wedding. I could not have been a happier blushing bride in my blue jeans and mukluks. That, however, didn't end my dream about having a real wedding. At first I wanted a huge giant grand wedding where there were hundreds of people and a huge dress and lights and all kinds of crazy things. I went back and fourth between all kinds of different ideas, but what really stuck with me was my grandmother's backyard. It isn't very large, however it's romantic and beautiful! After realizing that a wedding isn't about all of the people and glitz and presents, I decided that having a small family wedding would be perfect for us. I do however want to have a nice big reception with pretty flowers and a huge cake! There are some things a girl can't give up right? Even though I would be perfectly happy not having a wedding ceremony, I am very very excited for this. Zach will have just come home from his deployment, which I think will make it extra special, since he will have not seen a lot of his family in almost two years! Enough about the wedding that will happen next year.

Rea has been talking, a LOT more than before. She is saying words I didn't even think I taught her! She is so smart, it drives me crazy sometimes, but I love her all the same! Her dad would be so proud, I try to video as much as she will let me, but she gets shy in front of the camera. She also is picky about what she says in front of who. The other day we were visiting Maija, and she wouldn't say "buck buck buck" and flap her wings like a chicken, which she does ALL the time running around our house! She had also done it in front of Dean and everyone else, but she would NOT do it for Maija! Yesterday, I gave her a little bowl of cheese its while she was watching TV. I was browsing the internet and just hanging out, before I knew it she was sleeping!! With a cheese it in one hand and the other hand in her bowl! It was the cutest thing, I love moments like that. I just wish her daddy was here to see it!

Dear Deployment,
Because of you, Zach can't see our daughter grow right in front of his eyes. He has to rely on the internet and phone to keep up with her. Something happens everyday, shoot, something happens every hour that I would have wanted him to see. Even though he isn't here physically, he is always there for me emotionally. I am so lucky to have a man like him in my life, not very many people get so lucky. You can't ruin the relationship between us, and we will always back each other up. Love, Elsa..

Happy Birthday Baby Jamsey!

Thursday was Rea's best friend James' birthday! He turned one, he's much smaller than Rea, however, they get along great! They share EVERYTHING, toothbrushes, bottles, sippy cups, you name it, they share it. Today we had his "birthday party" and it wasn't much of a party, but he's only one and he had a wonderful time eating spaghetti and then chowing down on a cupcake. Rea also enjoyed making a mess of herself. Soon after Rea smashed her cupcake into her chest, she threw a fit because she was so dirty. I rinsed her off in the sink and then took her up to the tub. Tanya wasn't too far behind me with Jamsey. They splashed and laughed and splashed and laughed. It was one of the cutest things EVER! Tanya and I laughed the entire time they were playing. This was Rea's first bath with a BOY! I don't believe it's her last either. Now, she's out on the tundra picking tea. Her auntie Tyne wanted to take her, she along with Ariana, Susan, and Mary Sue. I am eating granola with yogurt and enjoying the empty (besides dogs) house.

I haven't heard back about the job I applied for yet, which makes me nervous. I really would love to work back at TANF. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a program through Maniilaq that provides money for families who have children and cannot financially support them. It's not only a program that gives money out, it helps those families get back onto their own two feet. I will be very disappointed if someone who gets the job, doesn't really CARE about the well being of the people and just wants to hand out money. There have been people who didn't care, and just handed out money, which wasn't only partially illegal, but it was immoral. I am the kind of person who gets sick to my stomach seeing people who don't know how to apply for a job, or can't provide for their family because they don't have someone to push them in the right direction. I just want to help.

Today is also my brother in law Dean's birthday! I won't mention how old he is, but I can say that he's the best brother I could ever ask for! Rea simply adores him, and I swear they have their own little language or understanding of each other. I love how he melts around her, and she gets so excited when she sees him. Also, Zach loves him. I swear if he could choose between seeing Dean and seeing me, he might really consider seeing Dean instead! So thank you Dean, for being an awesome brother in law, and for making my biggest sister happier than I have ever seen her! We love you

Dear Deployment,
As for you, I don't thank you and I don't like you. I do however know that because of you, my husband and I have a better marriage, and I know that when he comes back, we will be stronger than ever. Once we get through this, we will be able to get through anything. Love, Elsa...

ZUMBA!

Zumba recently started up here in northwest Alaska, and let me tell you. I LOVE IT. I live for this kind of thing. I have never been the type to go and workout everyday, except during high school sports, when I was at practice every single day. Lately though, zumba has been the highlight of my day! If you know me personally, you know that I LOVE to dance. When I was in college, the only classes I really honestly made it to every week were my dance classes. I begged and begged everyone to come dancing with me every weekend and my sisters and I are probably the ONLY ones who can go to Lion's Club sober on Saturday night and have loads of fun. When I do zumba, I feel liberated, I feel like I belong when I am dancing, and really it doesn't feel like a workout to me. It doesn't feel like I have to try, I just have true and honest fun! Yesterday was an especially fun day, since I had such a crappy day to begin with. I met up with Kristen and her mom and Stephanie at zumba and even before the workout started, we were laughing and having a good time. Kristen and Stephanie always get a kick out of how I do things, because I get so into it, and if you are in my way, I apologize, because I don't notice. I don't notice, which also means I probably bump, or swing my arm out and accidentally hit you. I don't mean it.. it just happens. There are a couple of things that I do really over the top, and dancing is one of them. I can dance and dance and dance, like the energizer bunny. Sometimes when zumba is over, the first song comes back on and I feel like doing the workout all over again. People ask if I ever get tired of dancing, are you freaking kidding me?! I never get tired of it. I dance all over the house, while I am cleaning, while I am cooking, when I am in the shower. Basically any chance I get, I am dancing. Ariana thinks its funny, and usually it is funny, but really, it keeps me sane! On Saturday, we went to Lion's Club and danced the night away, it's such a stress reliever. My cousin Charlotte asked how I had so much energy, and really I have no idea, because I don't stay up very late, but I rarely sat down. I never felt tired either. Call it what you wanna call it, but I am a dancer through and through.

always pray for those who truly need it

well hello (=
I know it's been weeks since I the last time I wrote. I have been home, feeling like i'm going a million miles an hour and since I usually am only on my phone I don't write enough. I have been needing to write though, a friend of mine reminded me on facebook today that I should write. She's absolutely right, I should be writing everyday, or at least every time something happens. In the last few weeks, I have been babysitting my cousin Josie's baby, Saima. She is four months old, and don't get me wrong, she's SUPER cute. But she cries a lot more than Rea did. I couldn't imagine her being my own kid. I recently applied for a real job at Maniilaq though and I am really hoping that I get it. It will be a nice change to have to get up every morning at the same time and not have to be around Rea 24/7. Also, we will be able to save more money!

Lately, I have been feeling pretty sorry for myself, even though I shouldn't be. I am reminded daily that there are people who have it a lot worst than I do. Recently a friend of mine got run over by a truck and broke a lot of bones and was in critical condition. I have been praying for her. I also spoke with a guy who's girlfriend miscarried her baby, he explained how she had to go through labor and push him out. He watched the whole thing, not being able to help her in pain. I'm sure if he could have, he would have traded her places. I prayed for them. A new mother and her baby were in a car accident in Killeen, the mother did not survive and the father of the baby is trying to come home from Iraq. I am praying for them. Every time I start to feel sorry for myself, I remember that there are people who have it a lot worst than I do. yeah, I don't get to see my husband for a year, but he's alive. I get to speak to him, he gets to see me and Rea on Skype. Really, I am pretty lucky to have a husband who really truly loves me and my daughter. We are lucky to have friends and family who support us 100%.

Other than trying to get a new job, I have been doing well. Rea has been pretty fussy,  I think she's getting her last few teeth. It's driving me crazy though. I have been having some really rough dreams. Last night, I had a dream that I was sleeping somewhere with Rea and someone broke into the house and was gonna rape me. I fought it but he managed to give me a two cuts. One on my stomach, from under my belly button to under my boob, and one on my right arm. In my dream, Rea slept through everything, and when the guy left, I was laying in my bed, motionless, crying because there wasn't anything I could do. I am always afraid of dying, with Rea around and no one finding us until it's too late for her too. Especially when Zach was gone and I was still in Texas. I was always worried about Brittany and Chrissy too, since both of their husbands were gone and they both have kids the same age as I do. I woke up, sweating and crying. It didn't help that Magnus was whining to go outside even though I had let him out an hour and a half before, and Fritz was whining downstairs, as she had been all night. Irritated, I drug myself out of bed and pulled Magnus back up the stairs, put the gate back up, and went back to bed. Even though I was terrified that I would have the same dream again. Though I didn't have the same dream, Ariana and I were in a city, i'm not sure where, and we were lost. The dream went on and eventually she was lost from me and I was wondering around looking for somewhere to go. My dad told me he has a lot of dreams about being lost as well. I wonder if it means something. After a long long night, Rea woke up extra early, because she could hear Magnus, and after dragging out getting up as long as I could, we went down stairs and I fed and watered the dogs. Soon after feeding and watering the dogs, I put Magnus outside and Rea and I walked home. I amaqed her. Which means I put her on my back, with a jacket that fits both of us in it. It's pretty muggy and ugly out. It's not too cold, which is nice, but it has been raining on and off for a couple of days. We got lucky and didn't get rained on.

Once we got home, I let Rea watch her morning cartoons and we relaxed. Since I was especially tired, I was hoping that she would fall asleep, but I never got that lucky. I was in and out of sleeping while she was laying down with me, but every time I thought she might be sleeping, she would move and we would both be up. After many failed attempts at putting her to sleep, I finally gave up and checked facebook and to my surprise, Zach was online and he had sent me a number of messages. I was happy that I got to talk to him and it brightened my day a bit. He makes me so proud. He makes me so content with my life, even when it's super crazy. So after flighting with Rea to nap, and talking to Zach, I gave up and asked my sister Saima to watch Rea for a while so I could nap. She picked her up around one and I made a cake in the microwave and put a load of clothes in the wash. Then I went into my room and shut the door. I slept for a little over an hour and only woke up because Saima had texted me asking if I was ready for Rea to come home. I quickly got up and into the shower. Rea was playing in the living room by the time I got out, but it was a really good shower! Remember the cake I made in the microwave? Well I am an at home Tupperware consultant, which means I have lots of Tupperware gizmos and gadgets. One of them happens to be a microwave oven. Which means I could cook things that should normally be baked in the microwave for a fraction of the time. I baked a store bought cake in the microwave in eight minutes! With no waiting for the oven to preheat. It tastes just like regular cake and some will even argue that it is more moist. I had planned on making cake balls for our house, but after a chocolate melting fiasco I decided I kivit, and I am making Ariana finish them! After the cake balls, we are gonna go for a ride and then I am gonna pick up Maija's car. Then it's ZUMBA time!! I love doing zumba, it keeps me sane!

Dear Deployment,
You suck, today you threw a bunch of crap at me, and even after feeling like crying, I didn't and I am now in a good mood. Lets just hope you are shorter, rather than longer okay? I would really appreciate that. Rea is growing everyday and needs her daddy around. She loves and misses him everyday, as do I. These next couple of days I will be waiting for a phone call for some work. Once I start really working, you will go by faster. Love, Elsa...

FINALLY!

I finally have the energy to blog today. I finally didn't fall asleep doing something. I finally can give you an overview of my trip (= Sorry in advance if it's a bit jumpy aroundy.

Our road trip from Texas to Alaska was a blast. There was lots and lots of driving. Lots and lots of farms, lots and lots of trees and not nearly enough sleep! We drove into Dallas, spent the night there, dropped off Saima and Rea at the airport at 5 am and then went back to bed! Maija had an appointment at 11 am to get her passport. Then we had to wait for it to process or whatever. So we didn't get out of Dallas until around 3 pm. We had planned on driving all the way to Denver Colorado, which meant we would have been driving until around 3 am. But, we started seeing tons and tons of lightening. So we ended up stopping in a little town near the boarder of Texas and New Mexico, Dahlart. It had a strong smell of cat pee. Every where! Our hotel room wasn't bad though, mostly it stunk right outside the hotel doors.

On the second day, we drove through the boarder of Texas and New Mexico, and then New Mexico and Colorado. In Colorado we stopped in Denver to visit Lucy Boyd, who was Miss Arctic Circle when I was running for Miss Teen Arctic Circle! She cooked us a HUGE musk ox and gravy dinner. Then we had smelts and seal oil and a whole bunch of other food for the native soul! We ended up spending a couple of hours over there and then got back on the road and crossed the boarder into Wyoming. We had planned on driving until around 1 am, but when we found out that recently married Mary Ann Goff, just moved into the next town we were driving through. So we stopped and stayed at her house for the night. We shared lots of laughs and stories from her wedding.

Day three, we only got into Montana. Day three was not exciting, we just drove... and passed farm after farm after farm. In Montana we had planned on going out, but ended up only going to Applebees and then going home and going to bed because we were way too tired!

On the fourth day, we crossed the boarder into Canada! Canada is beautiful and we were awestruck at everything. I will be honest when I say that I can't remember exactly where we stayed each night in Canada, but I do know that we stayed in Whitecourt, Fort Nelson, and the car... I also don't know exactly how many days we were there. I was extremely tired, and I can hardly remember things anyway! In Canada we ran into a family that is from Kotzebue, the Hully's! It was awesome because after we had seen them we started following them and it took a lot of stress off of our shoulders. We stopped at the hotsprings and whirlpool and a fancy little cabin near a lake. Canada is beautiful. It reminds me a lot of Alaska.

Anyway, we are back and alive. I am super sleepy. Hopefully I can catch up on sleep more and blog more often. But for now I am good.

Dear Deployment,
The last couple of weeks or days or however long it's been since I wrote, I win. I ruled you. I passed my one month mark, which makes me super proud! I also got to skype with Zach for the first time, which was AMAZING!! Anyway, you suck and I am tired. Love, Elsa...

Best day yet!!

Today my sisters flew into Dallas! I was so excited to drive up here and pick them up. I hardly slept last night, I felt like a little kid! I didn't let Rea nap this afternoon, so by the time I was ready to get everything in the car she was so tired! She didn't sleep the whole way, but she wasn't too bad. Rea was SO happy to see Saima and maija! As was I, after the airport we checked into a hotel and went to olive garden for dinner. It was nice to not have to feed Rea!! She sat next to Saima and ate whatever Saima put in front of her. After eating what she liked, she started feeding Saima everything else. It was so cute! Saima and Maija were not very tired after dinner because they are still in Alaska time, so after dinner we went to Wal Mart to walk around. Let me tell you, trips to Wal Mart with my sisters is so much more fun than a regular trip to Wal Mart! When the three of us are together it's so much fun! Anyway, it's way past my bedtime and I can hardly keep my eyes open! I'll write a better more detailed story later...

Dear Deployment,
Today was wonderful. I got to see my sisters and that made Rea super happy!! I win today. Even though I didn't get to talk to Zach. Love, Elsa...

so excited!

Maija and Saima left for Dallas today!! They don't get there until tomorrow evening, but they did LEAVE! I can't wait until they get here, I can't wait to have some help moving!! Today, I moved a few more things from my house to Chrissy's, but I had Rea the WHOLE time. It was pretty tough, and I have to say that I really really missed Alaska today. I saw at least ten MEN today, who were STARING at me. Starting at me struggle to carry heavy boxes and I'm sure they could hear Rea SCREAMING, becuase that's what she did the whole time. It was frustrating to see them stare the way they did. I thought Texas had real "southern hospitality" and the military was full of "gentleman" YEAH RIGHT. I carried my boxes and bags and baby from my house to my car, and then again from my car into Chrissy's house. If I someone who looked like they were struggling, I would help, maybe not if I had Rea but, I would help if I could and if Zach were here, I would have MADE him help someone. I feel like if my husband isn't doing anything important and I see someone who needs help, it's common courtesy to help. In my eyes anyway, apparently not in the eyes of all of the people stationed here. After moving more boxes, Rea and I had pizza for dinner and hung out at Chrissy's. I really really really can't wait until tomorrow! I just keep thinking about that!

Dear Deployment,
I think because of you, people are ass holes. Becuase of you people are bitter and don't care about other people. That makes me sad, because I come from a place where everyone cares about everyone. You can't change that about me. I will always win in that aspect! Love, Elsa..

I love it when

forget about food that I put in the fridge or freezer. Sometimes I will make cheesecake and while I am impatiently waiting for it to cool I find something else to do and I forget what I was waiting for. When my tummy starts a rumblin' I head back to the fridge/freezer to find something to devour, and to my surprise, there is a giant cheesecake sitting right in front of me, practically begging me to eat it. Anyway, today Brittany and I went to a couple of garage sales. Someone was selling "magic bars" or 7 layer bars, which I happen to LOVE. I don't even like chocolate really, but the mixture of chocolate, and coconut, and whatever else is in it, makes it uh-maze-ing! It was a little over 100 degrees this afternoon, which meant that it was melting. So I put it in the freezer, only meaning to leave it in there for 10 minutes. Between Rea running crazy and the TV blaring and facebook stalking, I forgot about it! I made lunch, and played with Rea. Then I put her down for a nap and relaxed. Still not realizing that I have a delicious, homemade, "magic" bar hiding in the freezer. After Rea's nap, I made dinner, and I had put a Sunkist in the freezer while Rea was asleep so I could drink it during dinner. I reached into the freezer and pulled out the Sunkist, still not seeing the decadant bar, two inches from the Sunkist. After our tummies settled, I took Rea to the park, even though it was 100 degrees. We lasted about an hour, before I couldn't handle chasing Rea around anymore! I felt like I was sweating buckets! When we got home, Rea and I shared a popcicle. A popcicle from the same freezer that my magic bar was hiding in! Rea got sleepy soon after coming home from the park, but of course, she had to have her tickle time before bed. She gets cranky before bed, but as soon as we get into bed and it's time to go to sleep, she gets giggly and silly. Zach taught her how to say "tickle tickle" even though it sounds more like "ticka ticka" I LOVE IT! I don't know how I am going to sleep on our drive back to Alaska.. Maybe thats a good thing, maybe I will just drive non-stop until we get there. Yeah right, who am I kidding? I need sleep, I would sleep all the time if I could! Okay, back to my story! After Rea was sound asleep, I came back into the living room and turned on Project Runway. As I lay on the couch, basking in my fatness, wishing I could eat a peice of cake. Then it struck me! I had a chocolatey coconutty peanut buttery delicous bar in the freezer! I hopped off of the couch, probably with the most spunk I have had in the last week. I know that I have what some people call breast feeding brain, and I forget simple things and I can't spit out what I want to say the way I want to say it sometimes. But how did I forget about that for so long?! Thank goodness I did, because I found it at the perfect time. Now my tummy is happy and I am going to SLEEP!!

Dear Deployment,
Even though I didn't get to talk to Zach on the phone today, I know he is safe. We got to chat a little (= Because he is somewhere new, he accidentaly went to the place to go on the internet instead of the phone. He told me something today that gave me butterflies. "I love you more and more with each passing second" He always brightens my day, or night! Now if I feel down, I will think to myself, he loves me more now, than he did just a second ago and that will always bring my mood up. Simple things like that are what make me so much stronger. Love, Elsa...

I love my family

Only a couple of days before Maija and Saima get here!! I am so excited! They had a bread and jam/jelly sale today! Them along with a couple of other friends make a bunch of jam and jelly and bread and doughnuts and other various items. Maija texted me a little over an hour after the sale started, to tell me that they sold out!! I couldn't believe it! This brought a teeny tiny tear to my eye, becuase I was so happy and proud to be from Kotzebue and to have friends and family like them. Today and the chili feed makes Maija and I's drive up to Alaska much less stressful. Zach got to call this afternoon, to tell me that he was waiting for his plane and he doesn't know when he's gonna get the chance to call again. Hopefully sooner rather than later (=

Besides the bake sale in Kotzebue, I packed a lot up, and after Rea took her nap I brought her to Brittany and Mason's house so I could move some stuff. It was nice, becuase I didn't have to worry about Rea pulling everything out as I put it in. And I got to take a nice shower without worrying about her! As I was packing up the rest of my clothes, I came across one of Zach's t-shirts. My heart dropped, and then I smelled it. I broke down, for the first time since he left. I completely broke down, and lay on my bed and cried. For the first time since the night he left, I couldn't hold it in. Rea wasn't there to keep me from crying. No one was there to stop me from having that single moment. The moment that I can't hold in forever. I needed that I think, even though it was really rough and it took me a while to regain composure. I laid on my bed for a good 10-15 minutes just holding his dirty t-shirt. Basking in the smell of his cologne, missing the nights that we would go to bed and I would complain about him not showering or changing before hand. Now I would give anything to smell him again. Even if he hadn't showered for a week and spent everyday in 120 degree weather.

After regaining my composure, I picked Rea up and came back to Chrissy's. She took a nap, and then we made a short trip to the commissary, and I sold the fish tank and TV stand. Now she's fast asleep after fighting her. She wouldnt' fall asleep tonight. She would lay down, and roll over. Then giggle, and look at me, it was super cute, but I just wanted her to fall asleep so I could have my little bit of personal time! After she's asleep, I get my little  bit of time to blog and stalk facebook! I also get to eat popcicles without having to share! Every momma needs some personal time everyday. Even if it's just a few minutes.

Dear deployment,
Today was the first time that I broke down. Today you beat me for a few minutes. You didn't win today, but I did lose it for a minute. I love Zach so much, and I will wait for him, forever if I have to. He couldn't have called at a more perfect time, and even though I tried to mask my sadness, he knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. He always knows, exactly what to say or do to make me feel better. For that and many many other reasons, you can't ruin our relationship. Love, Elsa..

Love my husband

Yesterday was Zach and I's first anniversary. I was more emotional than previous days, but I didn't cry. I was happy that I got to talk to Zach more than normal. He called four times! I am so happy and blessed that Zach and I have been married for the last year. He makes me happier than I have ever been, and even though he is a bazillion miles away, he still makes me smile in my darkest hour. He reminded me that I should be happy to be married. Rather than being sad that he isn't here to celebrate. This week was rough, not only was it just the begining, his birthday was this week, and yesterday was our anniversary. I didn't cry, but I was sad. I also think that part of the reason that I have been so tired is because I am emotionally tired. I have had such an emotional couple of weeks, even though I haven't been breaking down and showing all my crazy emotions, I feel every little thing. Sometimes when I am cooking, or cleaning or doing an everyday thing, and something goes wrong, I cry. Not because something went wrong, but because it's a "reason" to cry. I feel like I can't cry in front of Rea, so if something happens wrong, I cry a little. Just to let my heart feel better. It helps, even if I just shed one tear. I am the kind of person that cried as a kid and teenager. I cried ALL the time. My sisters could make me cry just by saying "cry, cry Elsa, you haven't cried today". My skin is slowly getting thicker though, becoming a mom and then a wife, I started learning how to control my emotions.

I remember the week that Zach and I got married. It was amazing, he got to kill a turkey and cook it all by himself. I cooked almost everything else, on my own. My mom watched and so did Rea and Zach. My dad came to Kotzebue, which he rarely did. He and Zach got to converse a lot, if you know my dad, you know he LOVES telling stories. Zach loves to listen, he's very entertained by my dad. My dad has so many amazing things to say. On the morning of our wedding, we woke up and finished all of the cooking and that day, was the first time I put Rea on the toilet to poop! She was only six months old, but she has a really obvious poop face, so when she started the face, I rushed her to the potty! When everything was finally done, I got to shower and get dressed. I remember being so content, and not nervous. I was so happy to be able to call him my husband! When it came time to go to the court house, Ariana and Saima picked flowers from my mom's "garden" for a boquet. I didn't know how I was going to feel when it came time to really get married, but I was calm and collected. With a HUGE smile on my face! We headed to the court house, me in jeans, a white top, and mukluks. Zach in jeans, a nice shirt, and moose hide slippers! It was awesome. When the judge was ready to start, I blocked out everything else that was going on and concentrated on only Zach. As our wedding went on, everything was perfect until Zach couldn't say my name! My emotions were running on high, and when he couldn't spit out "Elsa Ruth" I giggled and became so much more relaxed. I had never been so sure about anything in my life. After the wedding we ate and ate and ate. I was so stuffed, I had to get out of my outfit. We had some of our closest friends and my family over, and we relaxed. When it came time for bed, I was exhausted, but so happy, because I was finally Mrs. Carroll and I was so proud!

Dear deployment,
you suck. end of story. Love, Elsa..

Im always so sleepy

I have been doing really well, keeping myself busy and finding things to do on a daily basis, but today I was TIRED! I did not want to wake up when Rea did, but I dragged my booty out of bed and lay on the couch. Zach got to call this morning, it was amazing to hear his voice, we got to talk for a little over twenty minutes, which is a record for us! Usually he calls and we talk just long enough to say that we love each other and that we miss each other. The second that Rea started showing signs of sleepyness, I rushed into the bedroom and put her to bed! Not soon after, I crashed, and crashed hard. I didn't think we would sleep very long, but when my eyes finally decided to open, it had been two hours! Rea was still asleep, I was amazed. After some wiggling, Rea woke up. She is always super happy when she wakes up! I love it, she makes me see the world in a whole different way. I decided that I couldn't spend my entire day layiing around, so I went to my house and turned on cartoons for Rea. I needed to pack my Tupperware stuff in a single box so that I could take it all the way to Kotzebue and sell stuff! Of course Rea was more interested in "helping" me than watching cartoons. I was getting so frustrated with her, because I really wanted to fit everything in the one box. Everytime I put something in there she would pull it out and smile really big. It was funny, but a lot more frustrating. After fighting with her for a while, I finally got everything in the box and I closed it. I also packed a lot of other things as well. Today ended up being a lot more productive than I thought it would be. Rea and I made a trip to Wal-Mart to find some dinner, and I also got stuff to make bruschetta for the Deployed Spouse Support Group. After a late dinner, and a late skype with Zach's family, I put Rea to bed. Now I am watching Rivals and enjoying my mommy time. I am thinking about making a sun drop commercial when I go home! Wouldn't it be fun?

Dear Deployment,
Today started out in a funk, but ended productive (= I got a nice long phone call from my husband and even though technically it's our anniversary to him, i'll wait until tomorrow to talk about our love, and be sappy, and sad. I hate you for making us spend our first anniversary apart, couldn't you just wait a couple of weeks! Geez, no respect! Love, Elsa..